If you live in Olympia and are looking for the finest of festivities during this haunted holiday season LOOK NO FURTHER! (Or maybe continue to look but keep this one at the top of your weekday planner, tucked in every notebook and written on every wall as a reminder of terrible importance.)
For on the upcoming Thursday of this very week, Hot Toddy and Native Havoc present to you:
BLOOD WRESTLEMANIA 2012!!!
Place: The Urban Onion in our very own downtown Olympia. Right across from Sylvester Park. Time: The festivities begin on October 25th, Thursday at 9pm but you're more than welcome to show up when you choose to. Why: For a bloody good thrill!!! And also, to benefit Olympia's own Safe Place. And ALSO because it's a fantastic adventure that really should happen more often. How much: 15 dollars will get you in the door and 100 percent of that goes right to Safe Place! Trade in a couple of future beers for a good cause!
Picture this: Women and men. Men and women. But mostly women and women will be wrestling each other to the "DEATH". Atop saggy mattresses whilst "blood" gets thrown upon their angry bodies. Surrounded by a crowd of trillions, these wrestlers will do anything to win.
You will see dragons and unicorns and celebrity heartthrobs. You will feel the splatter of intensity with every splash of "blood". You will chant and cheer, laugh and scream, cry and wish you were up there. It's a night to never forget and we hope you'll be there!
And about wearing that dress... what could be more wonderful than using your frock to soak up every ounce of dark, twisted, silly and incredible proof that your evening was more unique than anyone else's?!
Just kidding. You probably aren't the only one walking around with a hangover. In fact, you may even be one of several million people that are suffering from such silly business. And so I have decided to offer my assistance to those of you that need a little fashionable guidance on such internally gloomy days.
"Thanks for the tea but I could really use a massage right now."
(Back Story: For the last two evenings I have decided to fall asleep stone sober. The reason for such madness isn't necessary to divulge at this time but do know that it involves me thinking I would be more functional in the morning if did so. Actual discovery is that I'm not only less functional but I am definitely more crabby. Right now. Which means I am in the perfect spot to honestly lay it down.)
Pardon me while I rest my eyes a moment.
So...................
Welcome to Hangover Town!
Or How to Look Like You Didn't Wake Up Late and Aren't Feeling Like a Crumble Crab:
1. Put a mint in your mouth.
"Oh, Humphrey Honey. If only you knew how awful you smell and how big your head is."
I say this first and foremost because I believe that most terrible moods begin with bad breath. Why do you think the world's crankiest codgers have the worst scent passing through their sour puss sneers? Probably because their insides are rotting away. But maybe also because they're just having a year-long stint of bad days like the rest of us...
Some folks really wanna get down to the source of bad breath...
2. Ladies, redden your pout. It may seem like a hazardous choice but the redder the lipstick shade you wear, the brighter your teeth will appear. It's a little something I like to call Magic. And if you pick the right hue it'll not only create snow blindness in others but it'll also make the whole rest of you seem more alive. As if you just popped out of a catalog. As if you just stepped down from a window display. You'll feel nearly great in an instant. (Not recommended for straight men that are hungoverly looking for action.)
... and if he loves lipstick on his collar, layer that red on thick!
3. Make yourself look flushed.
Blushing: All the hip guys are doing it.
This applies to all genders. I find that the rosier the cheek, the more awake one appears. Adding a natural looking bit of color to the apples of your cheeks (be it with rouge, clay, marker or just by pinching) may just keep your boss from asking if you're feeling okay. It puts the life back in one's mug, the pep back in one's step!
Immediate fresh face! Just apply rouge or lipstick or paint or chalk or kisses.
4. Do as the tramps do and bathe in the sink.
This woman is actually is a gypsy and she sees your fate in a bubble. Which is what usually happens when you soak your body in warm water for too long...
When I was a kid, I absolutely hated cleaning myself. Which made taking a "Whore's Bath" or as my mother liked to call it, "Pits n' Parts" a little slice of heaven. All you had to do was wipe down all the stinkiest areas while standing in front of the bathroom sink and PRESTO! New woman!
I haven't changed much since then which is why I still say a sneakaroo into the old toilet arena to freshen your lady bits is well-advised. Especially when your job requires working with strangers that have a tendency to judge someone based on level of stench.
Even famous people prefer not to use towels sometimes!
Pits N' Parts Steps:
1. Get a washcloth, loofah, sponge or pile of newspaper.
2. Run it under the hottest water you can stand while squirting your cleaning device with some sort of cleaning agent (aka soap, bubbles, butter, liquor).
3. Take enough clothing off so that your armpits and private parts are exposed. That way you won't risk soaking your entire outfit in dirty soap water.
4. Scrub to your heart's content! Test to see if one area is clean by sniffing.
5. I recommend also patting yourself dry with an object that is preferably cleaner and drier than you are.
As you can see, real showers are dangerous. Best to be avoided unless you've had a lot of time to hide weapons and plan your escape route.
5. Men's cologne hides more odors, go figure!
There was no way we couldn't include this.
If it's one of those days where you're sweating last night's pina coladas, your hair smells like a backyard and you're wearing the outfit you woke up in then I highly recommend ditching the fluffy fragrance and stealing some of that serious stuff from a man you know. Or a stranger. If you happen to know anyone with the once popular Pi (aka math symbol meaning 3.14... to infinity) cologne, keep it for always. I have been sneaking around mall makeup counters since junior high just to spritz that heavenly Man Spice on my wrist. Watch out though. Men's cologne is highly addictive. And can attractive the wrong kind of crowd if you aren't careful.
If you aren't already terrified of this woman's fingernails, you best be afraid of her gifting a man cologne threat.
6. Avoid greasy foods, it'll only make you feel and look much worse.
Marilyn agrees. Cheeseburgers don't really do the tummy right!
Instead try drinking plenty of water and eating something that resembles nourishment. Say poo poo to the jelly doughnut and yes yes to the hearty salad. If you're looking haggard on the outside, what makes you think you aren't feeling the same on the INSIDE? We do not recommend any sort of spaghetti or pizza puff. Nor do we suggest you only eat something picked straight from a garden. I usually go for something easy to hold up to my mouth like a tasty wrap, heavily condimented hot dog or a creepily transparent spring roll.
7. Smile a whole bunch!
If Doris Day can do it in a ball gown, you can most certainly do it in Hangover Town!
You may have just thrown up at the thought of such a gesture but a smile (I guess, depending on how clean the teeth and how visibly chapped the lip) is generally a magnet for happiness. If your schlubby self is walking around all over town with a frown, the only thing you'll be attracting is an army of rain clouds and (if you're lucky) some street pity. But we live in the Northwest so who needs another rain cloud? I certainly don't! And there really isn't enough pity to go around these days. So we suggest smiling so wide that your head nearly falls off. That way there's not one excuse for someone to treat you badly. Plus the pain in your jaw will eventually outweigh the pain in your head.
(Until, of course the annoying dude that thinks the bricks on your building are a set of drums comes waltzing by. You can tuck a frown away for THAT guy.)
And now for some classic advertisements for Man Juices. Most of these are no longer in production due to high volume of deaths from women throwing themselves on top of anyone with even a hint of each scent.
Just look at the danger this man is in. Lady with a sparkle in her eye, tightly wound leash, wrinkly dogs with a taste for blood...!
Sorry this is so blurry. I promise it's definitely worth a squint!
When you finish drooling, get a magnifying glass.
I was wondering the same thing myself...
We don't know what era this is from but we love it!
And we love YOU, TOO!!!
xoxo
Andrea & KT
P.S. I just had to share this photograph. Because it's amazing and that animal is maybe a buffalo baby pretending to be an ox and I don't quite know what else to say about it but did I mention that it's amazing?
Raise your hand if you love Beyonce! Let's count. One, two, three...Oh yep, everybody. Me too.
Seriously. If sitting wrapped up in your blankets snuggling your cat and watching Beyonce videos paid, I would be a millionaire go getter. It's just not a real breakup until you've watched "Best Thing I Never Had" over and over for a few hours. But there are even better ones! I've never seen a video I've loved more than "Why Don't You Love Me?"
In fact, this is not about Beyonce. All of the words that can be written about that delicate swan have been written for now. This is about someone else. This is about the woman who wrote the lyrics to "Why Don't You Love Me?". Someone who is finally getting the attention she deserves. Beyonce's younger sister, Solange.
Solange has been around for awhile and while everyone was busy freaking out about B. for the last couple years she quietly rose to the top doing her own musical thing. Though she put out an album that hit #1 on Billboard in 2008 she was mostly known in the tabloids for being a celebrity DJ and wasn't exactly a household name. Until now. Have you seen this video yet?
Songwriter, singer, actress, painter and a killer dresser. Can you say Dream Girl? So how can we channel this goddess in our everyday lives?
We love her style because it encompasses all of the Shop Girl Tenants of Fashion. The perfect mix of vintage and modern. Feminine but wild. Super put together with a touch of irreverence. It's true that her look is not for the faint of heart, but you can fly your funk flag with pride in head to toe patterns or just allude to her influence by glamming up a simple outfit with one or two wild pieces.
The Elements of Solange Style
A Shop Girl's guide to attempting to dress half as well as Solange Knowles
Blinded By The Bright
As the weather gets colder, most of us are trading our fun in the sun brights for subtle, neutral colors. BORING. Everyone's wandering around in their black and blue and brown coats and the trees just keep dying. It can be so good to see a girl in bright colors swimming through the sea of uninspired anoraks when everyone else is dragged down by the winter blahs.
True, some of us are not electric or neon people. If you are a pale Washingtonian like me, sunny yellow right next to your sallow face looks about as chic as showing up to work in last night's vomit encrusted karaoke dress wearing your mascara under your eyes. But there's a bright for everyone. When yellows and oranges are called for, I reach for the bright blue.
If you don't your outfit to flash like a neon sign, or your boss doesn't want you to show up to work attracting the eye like a traffic cone, bright lipstick is a great compromise. There's a highlighter shade for every skin tone and those scary ladies that follow you around the makeup store when you're "just looking" would probably love to help you find the right one.
I got tricked/hypnotized into buying this once, but gawd do I love it. It is bright, bright BRIGHT and tastes amazing. It's called Force of Love and really pops no matter what you wear it with. Great for pale people!
Did You Get Dressed in the Dark?
Combining patterns is a complex science. Like messing around with the Hadron Collider or experimenting with your home chemistry set (or meth lab), you gotta use a gentle hand. One wrong move and it blows up in your face. Luckily, our girl Solange has a PhD in pattern wearing and we can look to her as a guide.
In theory, this should not look good. If you pulled your Waldo sweater and your bird skirt out of the closet, would you wear them together? I hope so! As the classic rule goes, one must choose a dominant pattern and a contrasting pattern (that hopefully share at least one color) when mixing prints. Solange takes this rule and pumps it up until it's almost exploded, but stops right before the balloon pops. That skirt is WILD and most of us would select it to take the dominant role. But hey, there's bright blue on the parrots, so let's throw the intense blue and red sweater on and make that the dominant pattern. Somehow it works, making her youthful and whimsical without sacrificing any image of power. Wouldn't you want to be friends with the girl confident enough to wear this outfit? Yeah, me too.
But wait! There are three patterns in this outfit! Which one is dominant? ALL OF THEM. How does that work? For one, both of the patterns are organic, flowing and aesthetic. They are not uniform polka dots or mathematic plaid or a conservative floral that is the same across the garment. The print on the jacket seems to be oozing into itself and the dress looks like running water, or like a hot tub with colored lights in it and the jets on. They both flow.
The other reason it works is because the outfit is self contained. Her dress is just barely longer than her jacket. We mostly see the coat and only get a little hint of the fun underneath. If the skirt was any longer it wouldn't work. We don't want the crazy awesome dress to jump from under the coat and devour us, but we love the hint light, colorful feminine fun beneath the dark and commanding jacket.
Again! The squares on her jacket go with the straight lines on the scarf. The linear-ness is what these patterns share and the jacket is (just slightly) louder than the scarf. But they compliment each other in an unexpected way.
Oh look! A little more subtlety, yet a Noah's Ark kind of outfit. Two of every animal! She rocks our favorite neutral, leopard print, over a slightly quieter snake print shirt. Grace and glamour with old school charm. Oh yes please!
Power Dressing
Need to look professional but don't feel like channeling Nancy Reagan? How about a power suit in an unexpected color? Or shorts instead of pants or a pencil skirt? Solange pulls off the Lady Boss look so well. I dare you to wear something like this to your next job interview. You would not be forgotten.
Maybe you're not the CEO of the magical ice cream factory or a real estate agent in 1980s Los Angeles, but that doesn't mean you can't look like one. The rule is "dress for the job you want", right?
The Most Important Accessory
Whether you are doing head to toe crazy prints and bright lipstick or just toting a wild bag to jazz up your everyday outfit, the key is confidence. Shit, you could wear a spray painted cardboard box and still look like a rock star as long as you strut down the street with your head held high. Solange owns her style and wears it with a look on her face that says "Challenge me on this sartorial choice. I dare you" and that's what makes her so hot.
And, as that ginger girl with no parents screeched so many years ago, remember one simple rule: You're never fully dressed without a smile!
And... we're BACK! With another wise excuse you can use to conjure yourself into wearing something fancy.
DAZZLE DAT DRIZZLE DRAZZLE!
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I am in no way a Northwestern Native. And neither am I an avid Rain Trudger nor an Oblivious-to-the-Weather Dresser. Which means that when it's pouring, my day is usually a complete mess.
Welcome to Olympia, circa 1967. Just kidding...
Here's the situation: dressing for rainy weather is annoying. Especially if it's nice and sunny when you're leaving the house. When the birds are flying around, looking all cute and feathery the last thing you want to do is put on a floppy hat or a loud, plastic slicker.
If you wear pants in the rain, you've got to roll them up or tuck them into some sort of shoe. If you wear shorts, your legs are bound to get mud-splattered which is way more odd looking than clothing getting speckled. Everyone's going to be wondering if that's SUPPOSED to be there... or if maybe that wet dirt is actually an abstract tattoo you got in '97. Things are always a bit more awkward with shorts.
The socks alone speak volumes.
Though shorts may be awkward, nothing screams 'strange situation' more than no bottoms do!
My solution? Wear a gosh darn dress! Or a skirt! Something that doesn't require anything getting tucked into a shoe. Something that let's your legs stretch wide to leap over puddles. Something that offers incredible comfort while expressing immense flair and appeal.
Make the drizzle rain thing YOUR thang by not letting it get you down. By spicing your appearance up. By not having your day be ruined because the bottom of your flared jeans are soaking wet and fraying.
You're welcome! We love you.
P.S. We know this is just the start of an entire season of lonely, rainy blue nights. Which is why we also suggest immersing yourself in it NOW! The temperature is far from chilly. You don't have to wear a coat just yet. The days are only getting shorter and can you think of anything more romantic than getting a good night kiss while under a big umbrella, pitter patters echoing from above?!? We didn't think so.
Cheer up! At least you've got a neat cat and something real rad to wear!
Save your hermit outfits for when the snow starts to fall. Or when the power goes out again... At least then no one will be able to see what you're wearing!
