Staying Off The Naughty List: How To Keep Your Bad Girl Status a Secret When Visting the Fam

Going home for the holidays is always an affair to remember. For some of us, it means unlimited indoor heat, laundry and showers for the first time in a while whilst our hosts kiss the tops of our heads every chance they get because they're just so gosh-darn happy to see us. For others, it can be a tense test of endurance involving much side-eye from relatives as an elder cheerfully reminds us "no more money in the holiday cards until you go back to school or get married or have a baby!". If you're a weirdo like us, it's a little bit of both.

One way to make your yearly pilgrimage more jingle bells and snowflakes than coal and tiny Grinch hearts is to show up well prepared and in fabulous armor. We don't mean chain mail. The loveliest thing about fashion is that you can use it to make people believe things about you that may not be quite true. Did you spend the last year kissing every boy in town, doing bong rips, creating an all female vigilante group and watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? Not my daughter!

We can't be good all year. Some of us can't even be good most of the time. Still, family time can be easier when everyone thinks we're still the angelic baby they bought a pink and purple transistor radio in 1992 and not Bad Sandy at the end of Grease. Put the right coat of paint on that barn and nobody will know better! It's not lying; it's aspiration!

Been less sugar, more spice and not sure if you count as "nice"? We prepared a checklist to keep up your ruse through the New Year. Good girls are just bad girls that don't get caught.

Dressing the Part

 The Skater Dress

Back in the olden days people ice skated on actual frozen ponds in nature. Now, we have to do this at a mall or in Spanaway. Alas, one lovely remnant from that time has come back into fashion, and that is the Skater Dress.

 

They are girly, but not too girly. They make you look so sweet nobody could possibly believe you've been up to no good. The skirt is flouncy and perfect for twirling, but the top is simple. They are universally flattering. Got a lot of boob? They will look amazing. On the flatter side? Wear the right bra and the whole world is yours. They highlight the waist and everybody's hips look the same in them! If you have long legs this style will make you look like you just walked off America's Next Top Model. If you have short legs you can wear it with heels OR flats, without fear of Stumpy Syndrome, because Skater Dresses always hit above the knee.

Pretty much the only pattern discrepancy in Skater Dresses is the sleeves. You can get one with long sleeves, short sleeves or no sleeves. Other than that, they're pretty much all the same animal. An animal you can find in almost any color you fancy!  

 

Warm up the room and match the star on top of the tree in a yellow that's cheery enough to roast chestnuts over; match the tree itself in evergreen; hide your objectionable tattoos under lace in a festive red frock; look cool as a snow flake in seasonally appropriate icy blue; show your mom and dad you're a professional now in retro cobalt with a collar!

They're also great because they're so simple you can accessorize them with just about anything. Hair bow? Jaunty scarf? Pearls? Stacks of bracelets and rings on every finger?

We would wear it with fancy tights, a skirted jacket and, of course, ice skates and a muff! Maybe a hat with earflaps too. Rosy cheeks sold seperately!

Chunky Sweaters

Okay, so girly skirts aren't your thing. You're going to a cold climate and want to retain as much heat as possible. Meet our best friend, the fisherman sweater!

We love them because you can find them anywhere. You can drop your life savings, or you can get one at Goodwill or Value Village with a fiver. Shit, you can knit your own if you've got the skillz. Choose a tight one to show off your assets, or get a giant one to belt and wear as a dress.The more sweater you wear, the more you can conceal, whether it's a severed head, a handle of booze or a pregnancy.

You go caroling in it and stay warm long your lashes have frozen your eyes shut. You can fall asleep in it and it will snuggle you like a lover. You can wear it the next morning while you open presents and keep it on all day without anybody knowing you're still in your pajamas.

Should the cackle of relations become too much, you can drink whiskey in it and tell your family you're channeling Ernest Hemingway. Automatic excuse!

What do you pair this magical yarn beast with? If you're going the fitted route, a denim jacket over the top looks hip and keeps ya warmer than you'd think. Otherwise, tights and boots look put together but hardly require any effort. Baby, it's cold outside!

Decorations and Distractions

Diamonds!

 Sure they're supposed to a girl's best friend, but if you're from the same economically depressed generation as we, you probably don't have any real ones. Who cares! The world is full of fabulous fakes.

Diamonds and "diamonds" are what classy ladies wear because they match everything. Especially the snow and icicles outside. Plus you can hold them in front of the lights on the Christmas tree for endlessly entertaining twinkle effects. Rapper inspired ear studs? A giant rock that would make Liz jealous? Clear rhinestones glued to everything you own? We approve.

Plus, if you want to play a little joke on your family, you can wear a fancy imitator and freak everybody out! "Oh, yes Grandma, I am engaged. We met at a Kmart. He's a Peruvian drug lord but I think we'll end up settling in Havana. His name is George...." (look around the room to find a suitable object) "...George Houseplant".

This can also be fun after the family activities have died down and you're at the bar with your friends from high school. "Oh, hello hot lab partner from senior year that didn't want to date me because I hadn't filled out yet. Fancy running into you! Don't mind that I'm enthusiastically scratching my face with my LEFT HAND".

GLITTER!

 Some people hate glitter. We hate them.

Not really, but when it's dark all the time, we'll take all the extra light we can get. That's one of the best things about holiday time. Glitter for everybody! It's distracting!

 There is no such thing as too much sparkle during the holidaze. Wear it in your nail polish! Prance around like a reindeer in sparkly dresses! Coat your body in Mod Podge and roll around in glitter! That will certainly distract them from asking how school's going or why you're still taking public transit and living with roommates! (If you actually do this, PLEASE send us a picture. We will post it online and make you internet-famous!)

If the macho men complain because you shed a little sparkle and it ended up on their cheek, put coal in their stockings! (Or more glitter!) Hahahahaha!

How To Get Away With Drinking, Smoking and Murder*

When you live away from home for a while, you pick up habits that mummy and dadsy may not approve of. You don't have to take a Christmas vacation from your vices (though that might be the healthier choice). Just don't forget to bring the means to hide them.

 

Every lady's life is incomplete without a cute little flask to stow in her garter. When life gives you lemons, make a lemon drop! Is Aunt Harriet irritating or hilarious? After the sixth trip to the car or bathroom it gets hard to tell.

Flasks also make awesome gifts for all your secret bad girl friends.

Have a nasty nicotine habit that Grandpa doesn't need to know about? They put those secret pockets in the back of purses for a reason. Conceal, conceal, conceal!

Snuck out for a quick one and don't want to come back reeking? Here's how to get away with it: Run straight to the bathroom when you get back. If brushing your teeth isn't an option, a strong minty gum like Trident White will do. Wash your hands and put on lotion or freshen up your perfume. If it's in your hair, dust some baby powder into it and comb it out. It covers up stank, absorbs oil and creates volume. 

If you're in the company of ex-smokers, we can't guarantee this will work. Most of them can smell tobacco from mile away.

If you're going for the big leagues, there's always the good old book safe. You can buy them online or hollow one out on your own as a fun vacation craft project. "No mother, I am much too literate to be smoking anything".

When you've done away with all your secret trinkets, it would be a nice gesture to leave it to a younger sibling who still lives at home. Chances are, they're up to a lot worse than you are.

*Do not actually murder anyone. That is not Shop Girl approved.

This is all just speculation. Of course we know our gentle readers have no need for this information. You guys were good all year, weren't you?

We thought so. We were too. We never misbehave.

Happy Holidaze!

xoxo

KT & Andrea

Oh, The Holidaze... or Reasons Not to Go Insane This Season: Part Two

 That's right! It's Part TWO, peoples! If you haven't read the first part then please scroll down and get your fill. To everyone else that is smarter than you are, we enjoy spoiling you. And you're welcome. (Teehee!)

Reasons Not to Destroy Your Family (or Self) During the HOLIDAZE:

1. The insides of houses have no excuse NOT to smell good.

 

What better reason to come home than to treat your nostrils like the queens that they are. Dead pine trees standing up in the middle of living rooms, cookies constantly in baking rotation, cologne gifts being tried on over and over, hot apple cider getting stirred with a mini cinnamon stick, and all sorts of other things that love to delight your scent-finding schnozes. Not to mention, the rich aroma of laziness. Familiar bodies slumped over couches, legs tucked under coffee tables, full bellies below knitted afghans and the list goes on. Nothing smells better than a kitchen at Christmas. Except for maybe the inside of a popcorn maker but we have a feeling heads don't belong in there...

2. COOKIES?!?!

I got excited just TYPING that word. Cookies are the most darling and precious food on EARTH. I mean, think about it. They come in an infinite amount of flavors and styles and designs! You can also make them look like pretty much anything. A rollerskate, a snowman, a football, a NAKED PERSON! Whatever you want. Plus, the act of baking them is a ritual that many families hold sacred. I'm not really allowed in the kitchen when I go home but if I were, you can bet that I would enjoy creating such delicious delights.

P.S. Homemade cookies make excellent gifts! As long as that person isn't allergic to anything you've hidden inside of them. Try giving adorable cookie love this year. It's a pretty inexpensive way to show someone you care. About food!


3. One scarf for every day of the week? Heck yes!

As women, we are required to stay on top of fashion. Most of us like to keep our outer appearances interesting by not constantly wearing the same thing. And one day when we're rich and famous, we'll have a different outfit for everyday of the year! But until that fantastic future happens, we can stock up on accessories. Most notably scarves!

Why? Because they keep us warm, can be draped in several different poses and are also interchangeable. We can wear one or seven. We can wrap it around our shoulders, our heads, our necks, our waist or our handbags. We can make an outfit look more debonaire or funky or even more casual. They are a necessity during freezing months like the ones that are approaching and basically, what's not to love?!
Scarves: keeping things interesting.


4. Put that Netflix account to good use!

Hate to break it to you but humans cannot actually hibernate. It really isn't fair, we know. Grizzly bears and small rodents and other fuzzy wuzzies spend a great deal of their year gathering loads of food and necessities so that they can spend the coldest months safe and sound in the warmth of their hidden homes. Since we don't really have that luxury, we suggest having entertainment sent to your doorstep!

I, myself don't have the internet in my place of residence which is why receiving little DVD's of delight makes my life all the more fabulous! Now's your chance to catch up on entire seasons of television that your real cool friends have been talking about. Or you could make things real interesting and try one of these cool tricks:
1. Pick a word out of the dictionary and rent every film that has that word in its title.
2. Only rent films beginning with a certain letter.
3. Pick a year you're quite fond of and check out what was made during it.
4. You can pretend you're a francophone by only watching en francaise!
5. Check out some killer Best Of Lists and you'll be impressing peeps in no time!

Some more obscure films we recommend viewing during this gloomy time of year? Sure, we got lots of 'em! Check it out by genre below:
Fright: Suspiria, While She Was Out, Daybreakers, any episode of Game of Thrones
Psychological Thrills: We Need to Talk About Kevin, Lying, Melancholia, Martha Marcy May Marlene
Female Journeys: Somersault, Movern Caller, Wendy and Lucy, Swimmers, Sleeping Beauty (the new version), Margot at the Wedding
Laugh Attack: There's a Girl in My Soup, Scrooged, Where the Boys Are, If a Man Answers, But I'm a Cheerleader
Hot and Steamy: Henry & June, Unfaithful, Aimee and Jaguar, My Summer of Love, Nine Songs, Shortbus, Dreamers, Y Tu Mama Tambien

This one is beautiful, creepy and will definitely make any righteous woman PISSED OFF.

5. Save a pillow, spoon a person!

And maybe make a spork in the process?!

It doesn't take a genius to know that body heat is contagious. And so we suggest taking advantage of that fantastic little fact and putting your limbs to good use! Sure, you can wrap your sweet self around the unfeeling torso of a pillow but what has that pillow ever done for YOU? Besides offer nice neck support and comfort...

No bath salts here. We promise.

We shopgirls think that it is perfectly acceptable to feed off of someone else's warmth. Especially when you're both very into each other. And you don't have previous obligations. And you are not using this opportunity only to make someone else jealous or cause harm to an innocent bystander. We certainly aren't going to judge you if you do but we feel that in order to promote Constant Cuddling, we've gotta follow such suggestion with the appropriate cautions.

This is a still from the film about Henry Miller and Anais Nin (Henry & June). Oh so ravenous!

Basically karma is a bitch and we wouldn't want anyone to get slapped this Holidaze season!

"Karma? What karma? Who's THAT!?"

6. Indoor activities never looked so good!!!

If you are fond of puzzle building, now's your chance! Have you been hankering for an opportunity to yodel? Well, belt it out then! Curious about the rules of spin the bottle? What better time to learn than during the coldest days of the year! And don't stop there. We've got some suggestions that should keep your indoor calender full til the flowers come home!

"Oh crud. I dropped that stitch again!"

Learn how to knit/sew/crochet. Gather several books on one subject from the library and become an expert on it. Set a goal for yourself to write that novel! Learn and memorize how to mix all of your favorite cocktails. Paint the walls in an interesting shade or add bright stripes to a previously shaded space. Figure out how to win at gin rummy.



7. That gym account can finally be put to action.

Because the summer goes by so quick in this part of the world, it's hard to commit yourself to a life of indoor workout routines especially when the sun decides to poke its weary head. Since the upcoming months are bound to be dreary, we recommend revisiting the gym you used to frequent. And if you're new to the game, what perfect time to sign your evenings away!

Add this one to your queue, babies!

You'd be surprised at the energy you've been secretly hoarding for so long. And pumping iron is known to help shake you out of the doldrums. Especially when surrounded by others working just as hard as you are. So dust those shoulders off, whip those sneakers out, get that spandex on and let the sweat roll down, baby!

Don't you wish this shot was Scratch N' Sniff?! Yummy.

Added bonus: Working out warms your body up. So you can face the cold air without fear. Plus walking around with that hot musky scent is known to attract others. So don't be surprised if you end up catching a wink or two...

Plus when else do you get to dress this sexy cool?!

8. And speaking of which... Dancing warms the body and feeds the soul!

Yes, we pretty much addressed this activity in the previous wintry suggestion but we feel that dancing is not something to be taken for granted! It can make you smile, keep your spirits up and gives you an excuse to put on that Rick James record. It can work out your bod, shine that hardwood floor and help you practice your moves for future public possibilities.

Maybe Prince Charles should've done some side-stepping on his downtime, eh?

We have definitely talked about dancing on this blog before. At great length, actually. So we won't dive too deep right now except to say that... There is no reason for you ever to be bored when you can... DANCE!!!

Grooooooooooooooooovy!

9. Time to Cut That Record

It isn't rare that musicians use this time of year to create their masterpieces. You've got loneliness stewing in a pot full of melancholy, cold toes and wishful thinking. Despite all the cheer going on, there are still some of us that call this season... Depressing.

But if you play your cards right, such dour emotions can be harbored, stored and used in brilliant ways! Like creating things from the deepest, most darkest parts of your soul! Some say that happiness breaks up bands. And that joy kills the artist. (Actually I made those things up but it makes perfect sense.) Without the sad, we can never fully appreciate delight.

And so, if you've got yourself a guitar or a triangle or even just a whistle; now may be the absolute best time for you to let your heart do the talking and express yourself through music. If you can afford to hide away in someone's cabin, do that also! We can't wait to hear what your crazy little hands can do!

Alright! More reasons not to spit on the Holidaze are coming up! Hopefully you've managed to get some useful days out of the ones mentioned thus far.

Until next time, keep your cute heads up, your lovely hands busy and yourself looking fantastic.

WE LOVE YOU!!!

xoxo

Andrea and KT

New Year, New Look: How to Dress for 2013.

Holy fucking shit, 2012 is almost over. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating the new year by playing "Stump" in somebody's freezing garage. Assuming we aren't all killed in a fiery inferno when a rogue planet hits us on December 21st, the time has come to consider how we shall live our lives when the calendar flips over.

Are you considering a fashion overhaul or a whole new look this year? Do you know about the wealth of fashion information available on the publicly edited website WikiHow ? There's a guide for everyone, created and edited primarily by middle school students. Whether you want to start dressing like a "Gangsta Puerto Rican" or learn how to "Turn Emo Over The Summer", WikiHow is happy to help you.

Because I am bored and presently unemployed, I have compiled a list of the most questionably helpful, stereotype packed fashion and style guides I can find. Enjoy!

Article: "How to Dress Indie Grunge Like"

Highlight: "Crazy fun hats (like were wolf hats, sailor hats, cowboy hats, sombrero hats, army helmets, etc.) are a good option also."

Good Look For:  Those of you who are "going for the artsy, environmentalist, Kurt Cobain, Panic at the Disco kind of look"

 Article: "How To Look Like a WWE Diva"

Highlight:"Keep your composure and grace, but be willing to get your hands dirty if desperate times call for desperate measures"

 "I'll be frank: the divas have big chests. Almost all of them do. Some are real, some are not."

Good Look For: Female wrestling enthusiasts or those of us looking impress female wrestling enthusiasts.

 Article: "How to Dress Like a Punky Rockstar at a Young Age"

Highlight: "All the pink, frilly stuff needs to go out. Only stuff that looks cool (ripped jeans, leather jackets, black and neon colour shirts..) can stay!"

Good Look For: Eleven year olds looking who consider Blink 182 and The Offspring "pretty much every punk/rock band".

 Article: "How to Show Your Boxers/Underwear"

Highlight: "Underwear's waistband must be at the same level around your body. Make sure it's at the same level in the front,back and sides of your hip. You should use a mirror."

Good Look For: People who make us really, really hope the world ends in 2012.

 Article: "How to Wear Abercrombie but Still Be Unique"

Highlight: "When you buy accessories, don't be afraid of where you shop! Many stores you wouldn't want to be caught dead in might be home to the most fantastic necklace or cutest earrings ever! Hot Topic, Pac Sun, Vintage stores, e-Bay, Good Will and flea markets all have unique jewelry."

Good Look For: Delusional people who don't know stores exist outside of malls, unadventurous rich kids who get a thrill from "slumming".

 Article: "How to Dress Swag/Fly (For Girls)

Highlight: "Own at least 2 or 3 good pairs of drop crotch sweats". Also the only "related article" this one links to is "How to Dress as a Substitute Teacher". What?

Good Look For: Diehard Drake fans looking to prove something to the world. 

Article: "How to Dress Like a Rich Girl"

Highlight: "Buy Great Clothes". Oh, how helpful. Thank you.

Good Look For: Me. Dress for the job you want, right?

What's your favorite misguided fashion advice? (Aside from ours, of course). Are you gonna keep dressing as you do, or have these little lists inspired a great change?

We love you!

Andrea & KT

xoxo

Scuzz Town Gift Guide: Gifts For the Boy You Like Best

"Merry Christmas, Darling! Tonight, I shall be the designated driver!"

 Boys, boys, boys! Even though they average higher wages than us and control the Senate, we can't blame the individuals. Most of us have a man or five in our lives that we love and/or kiss. Let's thank them for a year of putting their arms around us during scary movies and bringing us chocolate and cigarettes when we're on the rag. How? With lovely non-denominational wintertime trinkets. 
But what do they want? We have no idea. Boys are weird and we never know what they're thinking. Here are our best guesses.

Save The Last Dance For Me

Vinyl. It's classic. It looks good, it sounds good, it can lead to slow dancing in the living room on cold nights. New vinyl often comes with a code to download the record online, so he can have it for the pad and the 'pod. You can even use the sleeves as wall art. The best choice is always a record that has sentimental meaning, or is a personal favorite of his. I once bought a suitor In The Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel on vinyl and it played on repeat for weeks. Records range from 99 cents to crazy expensive rarities, but you're sure to find something perfect in the $20-40 range. Support your local record store!

Happy Father's Day Merry Christmas!

A tie? Really? I know it sounds boring, but every so often, a dude needs to wear one. Job interviews, weddings and funerals, fancy dates in the future. For most of us young, hip things, ties are often inherited from fathers and older brothers who favor those hideous wide, striped silk monsters. Here's the thing: one of the top wardrobe essentials for men is a black skinny tie. They are classic and stylish and make your inamorato look like he knows what he's doing. Do you know that boyfriends look 30% more handsome when wearing a skinny tie? It's true! I know this for sure because I just made it up. Don't bother with patterns or colors. Go with a simple slim black tie. Even if you find out he already has one, it won't hurt to have a back up. One step closer to making those erotic Don Draper dreams come true. You can get one here for $9.95.

Burn Him Into Your Memory...Through Your Nostrils

These dudes prefer to wear cologne and mustaches...Only.

Cologne is a lovely gift, best bought for a man by his lover. Who else is going to have their face buried in his neck with such frequency? There is a lot of bad cologne out there, for sure, but it's not all Sex Panther. Go on a scent sampling spree and find one that smells so nice you'll just want to eat him. Just make sure he knows how to wear it properly.

Smoother Than A Baby's...

A shaving kit is another nice buy for the dream boy. A classic man-gift, it might seem boring at first but as soon as he uses it, he'll be so thankful you bought it for him. Man skin needs love too, and chances are, boyfrand isn't getting enough of it. You can buy premade shave kits, or you can put a kit together yourself by finding a cool bag or box and taking a stroll down the shaving aisle at your favorite apothecary. Things to include? A nice razor, shaving cream and aftershave or moisturizing lotion. Maybe an old timey shaving brush? Make sure to choose complementary scents. Your gentleman friend may not care about "pre-shave oil" right now, but he might like it a whole lot after you introduce him to it.

Tales for Dark and Stormy Nights

 Books are just as good for manfriends and they are for the ladies. Using the same suggestions we included in the gift guide for ladies, help him build his personal library. Not sure what to get? Autobiographies "written" by people he admires are often a good bet. The Dirt by Mötley Crüe is fantastically ridiculous and a good choice for your favorite rock n roller. But pretty much every mildly famous person has something, authorized or not, written about them. Or, if you're more of a gag gift type (or if your beau loved The Simple Life as much as I did) The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Ritchie is terrible, thinly disguised "fiction".


Candy is Dandy, But Liquor is Quicker.

If the man in your life is an illiterate, sloppy dressing, unscented, music hating, beard wearing longhair, give the gift that everyone actually wants...LIQUOR! (or give yourself a gift and find a new boyfriend, because that one sounds terrible). Booze keeps you warm for much cheaper than what PSE charges and makes most of us a little more affectionate. Whether it's a fifth of Old Crow or something in a crystal bottle from a shelf accessible only with a ladder, it will be put to use. If he's more of a greener than a drinker, take advantage of the fact that Washington will be one of the first states to end the ridiculous marijuana prohibition and give the gift of ganj. It will be officially legal for recreational use on December 6th. Merry Christmas to us!

What did we miss? Boys of the world, tell us what you really want!

We Love You!
Andrea & KT
xoxo