In the dead of winter there is nothing better than coming in from the freezing tundra and getting in a nice, warm bath.
I
was waiting on a to-go order the other day and, flipping through the
obituaries in the Olympian (because I am a goth at heart) came upon
something very charming:
"Her advice for any aliment-from heartbreak to head cold was to take a nice hot shower. It works most of the time"
I didn't know this woman, but thought it was very sweet. It's true: when you feel like crap, getting clean and soft isn't going to make you feel any worse. It's also a great luxury that everyone can have. All you need is a bathtub (or a friend with a bathtub) and running water.
So if you have some time to kill and a desire to be pampered, we at Scuzz Town heartily endorse Bathe-a-thon 2013. (Not be confused with Babe-a-thon, which happens every day over here). Do your part to help raise the good smell quotient in Olympia. Lord knows we need it.
The Pre Funk:
So you've decided to take the BEST BATH EVER. Good for you! There's not a whole lot you need to work out ahead of time, but if your tub is dirty, clean it out now. Nothing ruins the fun of luxury like being the ham in your roommate's pube soup. (Oof, sorry guys. that was really gross).
Anyway, bleach that shit and rinse it real well. Lady bits don't love soaking in chemicals. Let it air out awhile so you don't die of asphyxiation and your parents will have to tell your relatives you died huffing tile cleaner.
Alright, tub is sparkling with that chemical shine? Then it's time to:
Gather Your Materials
There's
nothing worse than finally being settled in the bath and starting to
sweat out your toxins when you realize you forgot something essential.
The point of indulgent bathing is never being interrupted!
Here is a list of things that are worthy of joining you in the bathing chamber:
Bath Pillow
I have never actually used one of these, but my lush of a boyfriend says they're amazing. I trust him.
Fancy Soap
Because
I am not yet ruler of the Republic of Bath Soaps, what you wash with is
your call. Some of us prefer Irish Spring from the dollar store, some
of us dropped 28 bucks on a boulder sized chunk of soap that smells like
roses, had beautiful packaging and has moved like four different houses
with us because it refuses to die (or maybe that was just me). Bonus
points if you exfoliate, especially if you're planning to shave later.
We're
being fancyladies, so try to use something different than the boring
shit your glorious dermis endures every day. You're worth it!
Conditioner or Hair Mask
You're gonna be in there a while. Might as well deep condition. It is winter after all.
Face Mask
Double team your head and give your face some love with your hair is soaking it up. I use this but you can make your own with stuff in your kitchen. Cucumbers optional. Do we feel wealthy yet?
Shaving Cream & Hair Removal Apparati
Since
we're all Professional Women here, we know it's best to let your fur
soak for awhile before we go hacking it off. You're loitering by the
toilet for a spell, might as well go to town on the hair removal.
Everyone knows the Venus is the only effective razor.
Bath Oil or Bubble Bath
I
personally don't use these because I worry how they're gonna make the
little lady downstairs feel, but if your junk agrees with them, go for
it.
Entertainment
I
strongly believe that you should not allow technology in your private
spa. Blaring Netflix kind of defeats the purpose of quiet relaxation..
Plus, you run the risk of electric shock. Let's avoid dying.
How
about a trashy magazine or the book you're reading? Maybe just soaking
in warm water and zoning out is entertainment enough.
Drinking Water
You
know how sometimes you get out of a really hot bath and you feel
lightheaded and nauseous for a minute? That's bad! Water will help
prevent that.
Other Libations
Since
you're being indulgent, bring a little something else to sip at too. A
glass of wine, perhaps? Maybe some bubbly with your bubbles? I've met a
lot of cuties who swear by beer in the shower and Budweiser in the bath
tub is one of my favorites. It doesn't have to be boozy, either. Some ginger ale or an iced tea is just as nice.
Large Towel and Hand Towel
Find
the biggest, fluffiest motherfucker in the linen closet and hold it
hostage. There's nothing worse than getting out and realizing you have
to run across the house naked for a clean towel.
The
hand towel is to keep near you at all times, in case you need a dry
hand for something. Turning a page, eating a dainty, ladylike sandwich
or rolling a joint perhaps?
Lotion
We
didn't spend all this time soaking up moisture not to lock it all in,
right? When you get out, slather it. Cover your whole body in an
inch of it. Brush your teeth, tone your face, pluck your eyebrows while
you wait for it to dry.
Bathrobe
You are much too luxurious to put on plain street clothes just yet. Spend some time lounging before you go back to Real Life.
Eau de Toilette
Top
off your fresh, clean feeling with your signature scent. Fancy Ladies rock their signature scent no matter the occasion.
Marilyn herself wore nothing to bed but Chanel No. 5.
(Please don't wear Chanel No. 5 though. They change the formula a lot and it's just too gross now)
Bath Time!
Light the candles, dim the lights, put on some music and rub a dub dub. We don't need to guide you from here.
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| "Thanks, Scuzz Town!" |
Have a good time, bathing beauties! We love you!
xoxo
Andrea & KT
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