Lipstick for the Intimidated

The application of lipstick scares many. It lurks like a tiger, staring at you through the bushes, when really it is an adorable kitten that just wants to sleep on your face and help you attract the right kind of crowd. Through many an embarrassing trial and error (I would like to apologize to the entire year of 2008) I finally learned how to put on lipstick and still look like a human. Lucky for you, I was paid millions of dollars to tell my secrets (not! I wish!). So here we go:

The Shop Girl's Guide to Wearing Lipstick

In a few easy steps!

 

Step One: Moisturize

Pluckin' off the lip gloss tree...If only...

 

  Nothing ruins a great matte look like flaky lips. I used BeautyTreats Lip Care in Rose Hip because that's what I had in my bag, but if it's gooey, it's good...

Much better.

  ...Chapstick, Vaseline, whatever. I usually glob some on, rub it in and let it sit for minute before wiping if off because I'm always in a hurry and you want your lips to be clean and dry before you attempt any color.

Step Two: Line it Up

 

Lip liner is usually the most intimidating part of the process to the amateur FancyLady, but fear not! All you need is patience and a steady hand. Not even that steady of a hand, evidenced here by the fact that I drank a shit ton of coffee before I tried to undertake this and still did okay.

 

All you need is a lip pencil in a shade that matches the lipstick you plan to wear. Red lipstick, red pencil, etc. I almost wish I could make it more complicated than that.

 

Draw a line ON THE INSIDE of your lips at the very edge.  If you goof up, just keep going and as long as you don't go outside of your natural lipline, it's all good. You don't need to remove it 'cause we're gonna be smearing lipstick all over it in a second anyway.

My love don't cost a thing. My lip liner costs $3.50. Sorry about the creepy face here.

Et voila! Stop here if you're going for the J-Lo in '99 look.

Step Three: What We Talk About When We Talk About Lipstick

Ohh...what beautiful packaging.

I am going to use Besame matte lipstick in "Besame Red". They make a line that SERIOUSLY has the perfect red for anybody. I like Besame Red because I am pale and it is navy-based (orange based lipstick does nothing for me unless I wanna look like a troll).

I love this lipstick more than I have ever loved another human being. Right?

This is my favorite lipstick that isn't by MAC. I love it because it it perfectly matte and goes on thick without drying. The chiseled tip is shaped differently from any lipstick I've ever seen in a way that makes SO MUCH SENSE.

(I promise I am not just being a paid shill for Besame products here. Yeah, they sell this at the store where I work, but I bought it with my own money and truly think it is worth raving about).

Now just smear lipstick all over your mouth. Stay in the lines you just painstakingly drew and you're golden. Go as thick as you want and we'll clean it all up in a minute.

Rub your lips together to make sure it's all on evenly. I promise this is what I'm doing in this picture, even though I look like a dog begging for a treat.

 

Gently blot. Tapping, not rubbing.

 

Bite down a little more. It will look much more natural. 

Every time I'm blotting my lipstick I always think about that kid's book From The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, where the girl is planning to run away and hide in the Met with her brother and she's trying to figure out how to get the train into NYC with limited funds. She finds a free train pass in her mom's bathroom garbage can full of old lipstick blotting tissues and the line is "...from a litter of lipstick kisses, Claudia had plucked a free ride". I found that line very poetic as a child and just want the world to know. If you have younglings, make them read it. It is a great book.

Throughout the day, as you drink coffee and eat delicious fatty, greasy fried things and then kiss your dreamlover, your lipstick will wear off. This is a sad fact of life and anyone who tells you otherwise is just a cosmetics company lying to you in hopes of grabbing more of your hard earned cash. When re-applying you do not need to put on more lip liner. That should stay on real good. You merely have to dab lipstick and blot. What a relief!

Step Three: A Word of Warning and an Extra for the Ambitious

Notice how I didn't put any lipstick on the parts of my lips that aren't visible when my mouth is closed. NEVER EVER PUT LIPSTICK THERE EVER.

 If you did, as I did in this picture for illustration, you will look froggy or frowny. Not a good look, but a common rookie mistake. All through high school I thought I just looked bad in lipstick because I didn't know you weren't supposed to do this. None of us want to look like Bride of The Joker post botched plastic surgery. Just Say No.

Jerri Blank is the only exception to this rule

 

If you're feeling extra motivated and want all the cuties to notice your lovely cupid's bow (the little dip most people have in the middle of their upper lip) take some kind of highlighter. Here I'm using a shimmery white eyeshadow, but I really like the products Benefit makes specifically for highlighting. 

 

Pop just the tiniest bit right where the weirdo in the picture is pointing and RUB IT IN. You want it hardly noticeable. It should catch some light and draw attention but not look like you stayed too late at last night's disco party, if ya know what I mean.

And we're done! Don't I look lovely? You're gonna knock 'em dead, you lipstick champion! 

Thanks for reading! Next time we'll do cat eyes. I'm much better at that.

Bringing Out the Inner Bad Girl

Most of the time I am content with my simple law abiding life. I walk to work. I respect my elders. I save kittens from trees and don't cheat on my taxes. I always tip and replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty.

But sometimes life just sucks and you wanna scream expletives in the middle of the street and block 4th Ave traffic all the way to the westside. You want to sleep all day instead of going to work, rock and roll all night and party every day (until the money runs out at least). You want to chain smoke and drink and get in a fight with anyone who looks at you wrong, to sneak out your window at one in the morning even though you haven't lived with your parents for years. You want to steal a car or a motorcycle and drive alone to Los Angeles and never come back.

This is how I feel this week.

Mercury is in retrograde until tomorrow and I suspect many of us are feeling that way right now. I think we as Shop Girls have made it clear that sometimes a little hedonism goes a long way. We all get tired of feeling like we're being walked all over from time to time and you need to show the world who's boss. Dear Readers, it's time to bring out the inner Bad Girl.

**DISCLAIMER: Everything I'm gonna suggest is perfectly legal, assuming you are not underage or stupid. I'm not saying you should ACTUALLY steal a car or anything that would really get you in trouble. Shop Girls take absolutely no responsibility for any mess you may get yourself into. Use your head. You may not call us from jail**

Bringing Out Your Inner Bad Girl and Blowing Off Steam

If you are feeling aggro, there are plenty of ways to release that destructive energy without harming anyone else. Suggestions:

-Go to the Free Wall behind the Capitol Theater and spray paint to your heart's content. It's completely legal and that wall has years of paint on it. It feels more badass to dress like a burglar and go at night, but if you choose to go that route bring some friends and pepper spray with you because shady things can happen in dark alleys. Day time is safer but do what you want. Remind the world that DISCO SUCKS.

-Pick a friend, and a social setting where there's a chance of chatting up someone you don't know. Meet people and introduce yourselves using fake names. Give them totally false life stories and do your best to keep a straight face. Laugh your head off when you see the missed connection for "Tiffany and Shelby, the recently transplanted twin Kabuki dancers". Bonus points if you wear a wig.

-Re-embrace the immature hilarity of practical jokes. No one ever died from chasing a five dollar bill tied to a fishing wire and if you've never pissed anyone off you're not living any kind of a life.

-Pretend you're sick, call into work and take a personal adventure day. Dress up like a fancy lady, take a bus to the nearest major city and have an expensive cocktail in the middle of the afternoon. Or just sit at home with your cat and have a Rock of Love marathon. They can live without you for a day.

-Go through your old yearbooks and draw devil horns and mustaches on everyone who was rude to you. Then look them up on Facebook and see what they're up to now. Chances are, karma struck.

-Be sassy. Tell the ogling dude to stop being gross. Flip off the motorist that cut you off. Call your bank's national headquarters and scream your head off about the unfair charges you were just gonna live with. Just make sure you don't take any angst out on someone that doesn't deserve it.

-Stick your gum under the table at Denny's. Yeah it's gross and immature, but again, no one's gonna die.

-Download your favorite albums from when you were an angsty teen and play them LOUD. Wake up your roommates blasting Marilyn Manson and ignore their passive aggressive texts. Apologize later.

-Get some badass temporary tattoos from the grocery store vending machine and cover your neck in them. Growl at anyone who spends a little too much time staring them down and say yes to everyone who asks if they're real.

-Go see a local rock or punk show. Dance around and bump into people. Wink at the guitar player but never say a word to him or her. Loud music can be very healing to a frazzled brain and local music scenes are totally worth supporting.

We all have times when we feel angry or aggressive, and I think it's better to to process these emotions responsibly than to keep them bottled up forever. And since this is a fashion blog, here's some outfit inspiration. Debauchery done right, and in style. Bad girls do it well.

Red lips and black nails just scream "Look Out World". Wear your cross ring upside down to really freak people out. Pair a sexy black dress with a denim jacket for a look that is cute but tough. Make sure you're wearing comfortable shoes so you can run away when the red lights start flashing.

Soon the stars will align in our favor again and everything will feel okay again. The Shop Girls will go back to being sweet and attentive and baking cupcakes for the underprivileged. "Badness" is a fun mind vacation, not a sustainable way of life. Proceed with caution. Grrrrr....

Today's Fashion Tip: Summer Shaded Limbs

Living in the Northwest has it's perks. But being forced to have pale, pasty skin is not one of them.

Unless you work on a farm every day of the week (come rain or come shine), you are probably the exact opposite of a tan person. I, for one have a sun-stroked upper body paired with a terrifyingly ghostly lower half. I wouldn't even DREAM of wearing a sleeveless dress without tights due to the confusion it would arouse. "Where did her legs go!?" "Is she wearing alabaster tights?" "But her arms are kind of normal looking... this is soooo odd." "That chick reminds me of a fashion plate but one where someone ran out of the beige colored pencil..."

And then you have the predicament of wearing sandals, wedges or cute summery footwear. How does THAT work?! Should I give in to danger and fake bake? Would it be wise to start applying self tanner on my nights off? Are long maxi skirts safe to wear while riding a bicycle? If so, will my thighs just be rubbing together all day, causing chaffing and weird sweaty situations in secret below the fabric!?! AHHHHHH!

Well, ladies. The solution is a simple one. You CAN wear cute summer shoes without letting anyone get boggled by your mismatch hued legs. The answer is.........

Wear tights! They keep you safe from sunburn and secret thigh rub rash. They actually keep you feeling much cooler (depending on the fabric - i am NOT recommending wool here, girls) and they come in a cornucopia of colors, patterns and styles.

Keep yourself contained. I'm a weirdo and I do it! Plus tights, leggings, nylons, stockings, etc soak up excess sweat AND hide all the leg hairs that you missed while drunkenly shaving the night before. Just do it.

Today's Reason to Wear a Dress: Hobo Magic

This may turn into a rant. I'm just going to warn you right at the start. Okay!

Oh, Olympia...

'Today's Reason to Wear a Dress' stems from a long, ongoing frustration I've had with Olympia's street life. Since I moved here almost two years ago, I couldn't NOT notice the circus-like dynamic of this city's downtown area. Peddlers, pushers, pretentious punks squatting on curbs with cardboard signs. I didn't see humility in these characters' eyes. I didn't sense any sort of life experience, any bit of tragic set back. I only saw entitlement.

Spread Eagles.

(Rant begins!) I come from a big city where the homeless are ACTUALLY homeless. They don't have parents tucked away in hilltop mansions somewhere. They aren't 20-somethings yearning to feel the human condition. They are people with missing legs, that fought in wars and they are construction workers that can barely afford their child support and this living on the street is not something they chose. It's the only option they had left. It just makes me livid to see people younger than me sitting on the sidewalk all day, expecting everything from everyone else instead of just getting up and earning money the way the rest of us do.

Two nights ago I saw a group of three wandering vagabonds carrying cardboard signs. One boy's sign said something like, 'Don't be HOBOphobic'. At the time I thought it was clever and even though I couldn't offer them any money, I stayed and talked to them for a bit. The following day I saw the same boy at the convenient store buying three bags full of beer. With a credit card! I've never even had a credit card! I was very near shrieking. But I held my cool and decided to type this post instead :)

I actually want all of these hairdos! Hot pink oh my gawwwd!

To walk around the streets of downtown Olympia dressed well (which for this city is a bit below the nation's average) is like wearing a bull's eye on your chest. You become an immediate target for any sort of begging. Because you are now the enemy, "the MAN" so to speak. And since I've been wearing dresses, since I've been walking in heels, since I've been putting on red lipstick I have received nothing but sneers and judgement from the young people that crowd the sidewalk asking me for 'some change'.

KT and Andrea: past selves

Well, I want to say that just because us shopgirls dress nice, wear make up and shower every once in awhile does NOT mean that we are flouncy, flourishing femmes. Nope! We are still shop girls that get paid just as much as any other shop girl. (For example, I have eighteen dollars to last me two weeks. Lolzzz!)

What it feels like sometimes.

And FINALLY onto the excuse we have for you to wear a dress today: Because you shouldn't be afraid to! Because no matter how harshly someone judges you, the only opinion of yourself that should ever matter is your own. Because dressing up can make you feel like a million bucks even if you only have eighteen. Because maybe one of those street kids is your spirit guide in disguise and in that case, you should always look your best!

Show those hobos who's boss and strut your stuff! See: below.

(*And just so you know, we shopgirls love everybody! Even teenage hobos, crazy meth heads and wacko ladies that leave a dozen dresses unzipped on the floor of the fitting room! We love you ALL!)

A song to inspire: Marva Whitney's "You've Got To Have a Job!" It's pretty funny actually. Oh, disco era. How we love thee.

Today's Reason to Wear a Dress: Pants

According to that amazing holiday website I discovered during the last post I made, today is Take Your Pants For a Walk Day! Which is something I wish I knew this morning while I spent 45 minutes dressing myself, sulking, undressing and then putting the very same thing back on again.

"Unless you are wearing a dress or a skirt, you probably are wearing pants. So, by definition, as you walk, they come along."- anonymous "Take Your Pants For a Walk" Day expert

JUST SAY NO!!!

I take that quote to mean that instead of doing what everyone in the holiday spirit is doing (wearing pants) I should be original and do the opposite (not wear pants). And unless I want to get arrested for public indecency, I would HAVE to wear a dress. So that is what I've been doing all day. Wearing a shirt tucked into a skirt, connected together with a belt which I'm willing to bet looks very much like it's own little dress.

And there you have it! Dress up excuse! Holiday rebellion!

However, if you aren't into the whole anti-celebrating weird and random holiday thing I've decided to include one other optional Dress-Wearing Excuse: Because you're hungover and it's easier to put your legs through one hole rather than two.

See how easy it is to say YES!? Even when near a pantsed person.

Today's Reason to Wear a Dress: All or Nuttin

While bopping around the shop as only shopgirls do, I found my little head asking itself a question. Is today special somehow?

After wondering such a thought, I knew I had to find the answer. So I searched on the web to see and sure enough today is actually a holiday! And so is almost every other day of the year! According to a crazy holiday website out there in internet town, Today - July 26th - is All or Nothing Day!

 Which means why would you NOT dress in your absolute best? And why would you dare decline a chance to be fancy? And how on earth could you resist smiling so wide that your head almost falls off?!! While wearing a dress. Or something, anything that makes you feel like a trillion bucks. It's just ridiculous not to.

So if the internet is correct and if today is indeed the holiday it claims it is then we suggest going to the extreme! Drink wine mixed with coke like they do in Europe! Put all of your jewelry on at once! Wear a ponytail in the FRONT of your head! Walk around in platforms! Heck, why not go naked?!!

Get in the holiday spirit. All or nothing. You can probably lay low and dress normal tomorrow. It's just Aunt and Uncle Day.

Forget Pajama Day! The Spirit Week Approach to Personal Style

I have always wanted to be one one of those people that plans out their outfits ahead of time. I can count on one hand the number of evenings I have spent neatly laying out the next day's look. I like to live in the moment, maaan, so planning is not my strongest suit (evidenced by the fact that I had to Google how to cook the Hot Pocket I ate for breakfast at work this morning).

Most of the time I manage to make it work. I am usually ankle deep in a pile of laundry of varying cleanliness with only one item that I DEFINITELY FOR SURE want to wear that day, pulling stuff off the floor and out of the closet and trying to match them to The Chosen Thing. Then I try on a bunch of shirts and shoes and, wait should I wear tights? The bus is gonna come in like seven minutes and I still need to feed the cat, and are my keys still in my bag? Forget it, I'll figure out something amazing to wear with these shoes tomorrow instead.

Because of this, I end up wearing a lot of black.  My go to outfit is usually black skinny jeans and a black turtleneck and it's fine. Throw a nice pair of boots, sunglasses and some chandelier earrings and it looks fairly chic. Passable for work, a little overdressed for happy hour, I look like a spy at the grocery store. But the thing is, on me, it's predictable. You could put betting odds on whether or not I'll show up in the same black Target turtleneck I've had for years.

This, my friends, is called Being In A Rut and I was in one bad over the winter. I wanted to be fabulous all the time but I was tired of everything I owned. I was trying to think of ways to freshen up my wardrobe without having to spend money. And then one day it came to me...

Remember Spirit Week at high school? The week leading up to homecoming where every day had a different theme; pajama day, decade day, dress like an old person day, leading up to the inevitable School Colors Friday? I never participated because the only thing that has ever surpassed my love of dressing up was my hatred of high school. But I remember this being A Thing That Happened and so
I started thinking in terms of spirit week.

I took out my notebook and wrote out each of the days of the week and then assigned a theme/inspiration for each day.

From the outside, dressing with flair seems like a matter of simply choosing great pieces and putting them together correctly. The tricky part is consistency. No matter what I wear I want each outfit to be able to coexist in the same universe. I want to look unique every day but not like I'm wearing a costume. That's why I like the Spirit Week model. It doesn't mean you're wearing the same outfit every Tuesday (Your therapist and the UPS driver would think you only had one look!). It just means you saved yourself some time on Tuesday morning because you already knew what vibe you're going for.

Of course, it's up to you to pick your own themes for each day. Once you start thinking about it the possibilities just flood in. Downton Abbey Day? Sailor Moon Day? David Bowie Day? Oh yes please!

It also makes shopping easier because it helps you narrow down what you need. It's so easy to go into Forevs and just pull shit off the rack, but then you end up with a lot of stuff you'll never wear. If you've been doing the Spirit Week system for a little bit you'll start thinking "If only I had a braided black belt, which I could wear with my country singer outfits AND on metal babe day!" Oh God, that sounds like planning!!

So yeah. Think of this as the training wheels on the road to daily fabulosity.  Rah rah, sis boom bah! Shop Girl Spirit Forever!