Saturday, August 24, 2013

How to Dress in the Sweltering Midwest!

Ahoy from the middle of Crazy Country! Midwest, US!

I must say that it's been strange these last (more than) two months since my mismatched feet have stepped upon the unbelievably humid soil of Kansas City, Missouri. The surrounding fashion has changed. No longer am I subject to street musicians and camped out (cracked-out) capers, nor am I arm in arm with those little fashion faeries I like to call Fellow Shopgirls.

I must ALSO say, that it's been a bit of a challenge. Trying to figure out how to dress in this city of such hodgepodge and an almost anti-array of trends. It's been confusing, to say the least. Which is why over the past (almost) two months, I've had to change my wearing ways. I've had to make sacrifices and take risks. I've worn pants more times than I'd like to admit and I've even sported a pair of shorts which is not something I ever recommend doing. But JEEZUS, it's almost been too hot to care!!!


or ... How to Dress Appropriately When All You Want to Do is Die

For three years I lived in a climate where 'misty' was a daily weather descriptor, the sun was a stranger and weathermen really should've just quit their day jobs and become professional poker players because of all the bluffing they were doing. Air conditioning was used twice a year (at best) and swimming pools were about as rare as asparagus in a Wendy's. Bodies of water were always somewhere nearby so a breeze was a type of luxury you just got used to.

In the middle of the country and in the heart of summer, it is the absolute opposite of what I previously described. If you don't have air conditioning, you'll probably go to jail. Sidewalks actually sizzle, ice cream is a common dinner food and slowly sauntering is the official city gait. So you can imagine my predicament when I arrived here with boxes full of sweaters, long sleeved dresses, polyester tank tops (?!) and 5.000 pairs of tights.

This list is here (mainly for me but also...) for anyone that wants to look kind of cute while their face is melting off.

1. Shaving your legs (AND FACE!) actually makes you feel cooler. 

Though I'd recommend trading in the hatchet from something a little less terrifying.

And I don't mean cooler as in 'more awesome'. I simply mean that if your skin has been feeling awfully smarmy, that may do the trick! Also, it's easier to put lotion or sunblock on a paved road than a bristly forest. Just sayin...
Farrah sure knew how to feel that rare summer breeze...

2. Anyone's head can get sunburned, soooo WEAR A HAT!

Or a scarf or a cap or a helmet. Anything that can keep the sun out of your eyes and bird dung off of your head, is a prime possession indeed!

And now for some really radical head pieces:

Fern is the new black.

Dead bird or hard taco? You decide!

3. Do not fear the stocking: It can actually keep you cool!

I am NOT a salesman of stockings. I promise you this. Even though, if you scroll through past blog posts you'd have reason to believe I was a pusher. Of all things leg-frame related. But the reason I'm so one-sided about these stem-huggers is that they've done me a solid for YEARS. 

Who wouldn't want a reason to pretend their shoe is a CAR?!

If you are prone to sunburn and don't want to coat your legs in greasy block... 
If you would rather not spend 45 minutes shaving your holder-uppers while nicking every bone related area...

If you enjoy adding a little bit of contrast to your wardrobe and also want to avoid chaffing....
Then Stockings are for you! No matter the season!!!

4. If you can, avoid wearing liquid make up. Unless you don't mind looking like a water color painting :)!

It's just gonna melt off of ya! And nobody likes a girl puddle. Trust me. 

Lipstick, however is always a good thing. And it comes in any shade you can fathom! The brighter the better when it's summertime weather. So opt for something that makes that pout pop!

Don't be ashamed of reapplication! Everyone knows you're doing it, silly!

This summer is all about tropical hues. Which is how every humid, hot season SHOULD be.  Since it's been too muggy to coat your mug completely, I really recommend just slapping on some of that ol' Mouth Shine. That way you can feel pretty while coyly drawing attention away from the sweat stains on your dress by distracting your suitors with a punch-colored pucker.

Rihanna may have had a stylist at the time but that shade of coral just screams 'tropicana'.

Trick yourself into feeling chilly by painting your lips an icy shade.

You can even test out your lipstick shade by kissing your garments like this model did!

5. Stop wearing socks with sandals. Why would you ever do that anyways!? (Stockings do not count as socks, btw.)

"Just stop doing it already!!!" - every woman on earth
I gotta say that old, elderly folks don't apply in this department. Because fashion is a whole new kind of effort once you've passed the age of 80.

But I will mention that my father dad (who is well under 80) very regularly wears socks with his sandals. And I let it slide because well, he lives in da burbs and he's my daddio and all of that jazz but ONE DAY I decided it was time to finally ask the age old question; "Why DO you wear socks with your sandals, Dad Cochran?" To which he replied, "Because these dang sandals hurt my feet. They rub 'em the wrong way."

And so there you have it, folks. We no longer have to wonder ourselves into a tizzy why peeps drape their feet in sockage when they've got a strappy thing already happening. But you know what? I have a rather curious question to that ridiculous answer my father gave:
Why not wear a non-see-through shoe? It's like wearing granny panties under a thong. It's like bathing suit under your bra! If you must wear a sock then let the appropriate footwear surround it! It's as simple as that!

Whew. Okay. On to the next issue...

6. Keep long hair up and off your neck to avoid saturation. Duh. 

 Despite what popular men magazines like Maxim may tell you, women can still be sexy with their hair up. No one should have to suffer for the sake of beauty. Especially if that suffering is happening in the form of heat stroke and weird, hidden neck sweat. Here are some tricks that would make anyone with eyes take notice...

The ponytail (classic, simple, Betty Cooper!):

 The Bun (Academic, Ballerina, Science Fiction ):

Two buns are always better than one! (Teehee!)

7.  Stay hydrated! If you think that you're thirsty, you're already too late. 

This is an easy one. Drink plenty of liquids. Use a straw if your lipstick is thick and/or glossy. Drink out of glass if at all possible because glass exudes class. ;)

8. Wear scenty sunblock in place of cologne. 

If you want to keep your skin safe from the sun's harsh little fire kisses. The only time you should NOT do this is before you go to a wine tasting. For noses are sensitive things and everyone around you will be pissed!


Aluminum-free, of course!

10. The smell of Spicy Celery wafting from your body is not natural. 

 It is also not what some may call a 'musk' or 'signature scent'. It is your body's way of ringing the Shower Alarm. Of saying, 'Hey, man. Hasn't this gone on long enough? It's embarrassing. You are embarrassing me. I am coated in a filth film of smoke, sweat and stagnancy. Clean me! Please for the love of G*D! CLEAN ME!!!'

11. Wear shorts if you have no other option. 

And if your shorts happen to look like THESE, please wear them! Even if you do have other options.

But keep in mind that 'shorts' are not supposed to fall below the middle of your shin. Parading around in something so long that isn't actually pants just makes you look like a man-sized toddler. Seeing that in public is confusing for those of us that wear things in our actual size. It makes me think, 'should I pick that person up and help him find his mother? Oh, wait. That's just a man with ridiculously lengthy shorts on again. My bad. His feet look so tiny.'

12. Swimsuits are not CLOTHES.

 Walking into a restaurant with nothing but a translucent tunic over your teeny bikini is not acceptable. The whole world is not your own personal shower station. Nobody (and by 'nobody' I mean anybody that is decent and slightly sober) wants to see that. If I want to feel like I'm at the beach, I will go to the beach or pop a Gidget video in the old VHS machine but if your bathing suit is the same proportion as your underwear than it should be worn UNDER what you're wearing. Aka hidden, tucked away, untraceable to my curious human eye, etc. 

A little bit of mystery never hurt anyone...

13. Please look at your feet before flailing about in flip flops. Which means, if your toe nails are long enough to cut someone, they are considered a weapon and if I see them, I will call the police. 
If you have hobbit feet... well, that's not really something you can control so I forgive it. Plus maybe it's kinda cute?! To some people...?

These feet are acceptable, though wet they be.

14. Ladies (and anyone interested in dressing like one): please always wear protection (underwear, panties, boy shorts) under your skirt.

 I feel like I've touched on this in a previous post but it is so absolutely important and yet somehow ignored by most that I feel it's worth touching upon again. 

Even the summer has a breezy day or two. Don't be caught with your skirt up and your hoo-ha flapping about! Because you know what? I don't want to have to faint again just to have an excuse to close my eyes for more than a minute. 

This lass may be a tad bit OVER protected...

And this lady gal knows how to keep her good safe! ;)

Also, you never know what kind of mess you'll end up in. Like a dirty oil puddle, a pile of glass shards, someone's compost heap, a dead scorpion... anything could be something your little treasure could fall upon and I really just want you (and your private pieces) to be safe. :)

Sorry for the tardiness of this summery post. We hope you can still use some of these tidbits in that glamorous life of yours. More posts to come! We actually promise this time!!!

Andrea & KT