Monday, February 11, 2013

Noble Deeds and Hot Baths

 In the dead of winter there is nothing better than coming in from the freezing tundra and getting in a nice, warm bath. 

I was waiting on a to-go order the other day and, flipping through the obituaries in the Olympian (because I am a goth at heart) came upon something very charming:

"Her advice for any aliment-from heartbreak to head cold was to take a nice hot shower. It works most of the time"

I didn't know this woman, but thought it was very sweet. It's true: when you feel like crap, getting clean and soft isn't going to make you feel any worse. It's also a great luxury that everyone can have. All you need is a bathtub (or a friend with a bathtub) and running water.

So if you have some time to kill and a desire to be pampered, we at Scuzz Town heartily endorse Bathe-a-thon 2013. (Not be confused with Babe-a-thon, which happens every day over here). Do your part to help raise the good smell quotient in Olympia. Lord knows we need it.

The Pre Funk:

So you've decided to take the BEST BATH EVER. Good for you! There's not a whole lot you need to work out ahead of time, but if your tub is dirty, clean it out now. Nothing ruins the fun of luxury like being the ham in your roommate's pube soup. (Oof, sorry guys. that was really gross).

Anyway, bleach that shit and rinse it real well. Lady bits don't love soaking in chemicals. Let it air out awhile so you don't die of asphyxiation and your parents will have to tell your relatives you died huffing tile cleaner.   

Alright, tub is sparkling with that chemical shine? Then it's time to: 

Read more here:

Gather Your Materials

There's nothing worse than finally being settled in the bath and starting to sweat out your toxins when you realize you forgot something essential. The point of indulgent bathing is never being interrupted!

Here is a list of things that are worthy of joining you in the bathing chamber:

Bath Pillow
I have never actually used one of these, but my lush of a boyfriend says they're amazing. I trust him.

Fancy Soap
 Because I am not yet ruler of the Republic of Bath Soaps, what you wash with is your call. Some of us prefer Irish Spring from the dollar store, some of us dropped 28 bucks on a boulder sized chunk of soap that smells like roses, had beautiful packaging and has moved like four different houses with us because it refuses to die (or maybe that was just me). Bonus points if you exfoliate, especially if you're planning to shave later.
 We're being fancyladies, so try to use something different than the boring shit your glorious dermis endures every day. You're worth it!

Conditioner or Hair Mask
 You're gonna be in there a while. Might as well deep condition. It is winter after all.

Face Mask
 Double team your head and give your face some love with your hair is soaking it up. I use this but you can make your own with stuff in your kitchen. Cucumbers optional. Do we feel wealthy yet?

Shaving Cream & Hair Removal Apparati
 Since we're all Professional Women here, we know it's best to let your fur soak for awhile before we go hacking it off. You're loitering by the toilet for a spell, might as well go to town on the hair removal. Everyone knows the Venus is the only effective razor. 

Bath Oil or Bubble Bath
 I personally don't use these because I worry how they're gonna make the little lady downstairs feel, but if your junk agrees with them, go for it.

 I strongly believe that you should not allow technology in your private spa. Blaring Netflix kind of defeats the purpose of quiet relaxation.. Plus, you run the risk of electric shock. Let's avoid dying.
How about a trashy magazine or the book you're reading?  Maybe just soaking in warm water and zoning out is entertainment enough.

Drinking Water
You know how sometimes you get out of a really hot bath and you feel lightheaded and nauseous for a minute? That's bad! Water will help prevent that.

Other Libations
Since you're being indulgent, bring a little something else to sip at too. A glass of wine, perhaps? Maybe some bubbly with your bubbles? I've met a lot of cuties who swear by beer in the shower and Budweiser in the bath tub is one of my favorites. It doesn't have to be boozy, either. Some ginger ale or an iced tea is just as nice.

Large Towel and Hand Towel
Find the biggest, fluffiest motherfucker in the linen closet and hold it hostage. There's nothing worse than getting out and realizing you have to run across the house naked for a clean towel.
The hand towel is to keep near you at all times, in case you need a dry hand for something. Turning a page, eating a dainty, ladylike sandwich or rolling a joint perhaps?

We didn't spend all this time soaking up moisture not to lock it all in, right? When you get out, slather it. Cover your whole body in an inch of it. Brush your teeth, tone your face, pluck your eyebrows while you wait for it to dry.

You are much too luxurious to put on plain street clothes just yet. Spend some time lounging before you go back to Real Life.

Eau de Toilette
Top off your fresh, clean feeling with your signature scent. Fancy Ladies rock their signature scent no matter the occasion. Marilyn herself wore nothing to bed but Chanel No. 5. 
(Please don't wear Chanel No. 5 though. They change the formula a lot and it's just too gross now)

Bath Time!

Light the candles, dim the lights, put on some music and rub a dub dub. We don't need to guide you from here.
"Thanks, Scuzz Town!"
Have a good time, bathing beauties! We love you!
Andrea & KT

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Tales From the City

Yesterday, I was preparing to dress the window at Yolli Shoes in tiny burning buildings and piles of doll heads (children love it!). I was removing things from the prior display, since Valentine's Day is next week and the miniature Christmas tree was starting to look out of place. The sun was shining and my body was half in the giant window, half balancing on a pile of Born boot boxes. It was precarious.

Suddenly. one of our kindly street people charged right toward the window until he was millimeters from my face, separated only by glass. He held up a piece of paper which read:

"Has anyone turned in a one foot blade? I lost it on the sidewalk here sometime last night".
So many emotions charged through my body! Mostly terror, but also amusement. He did not stand there writing out that piece of paper to flash to me; it was already prepared. Was I not the only person in downtown Olympia sitting in a window? Who else did he ask? And the most important question: who found his giant knife? Is my life going to become a live version of the age old writing advice about a gun on the wall in the first act going off in the third ?

Pro Tip, dude: If you lose a weapon somewhere, you just don't get it back.  As someone said when I was relaying this anecdote: "That's like going around and asking if someone found your bag of weed. Even if they did, they're not going to tell you".

I told our Dear Leader, Sydney, about this event and she insisted I write a little blog post about it. I figured I might as well since I've been falling behind on the fashion writing lately. If anyone found a foot long blade, please turn it in to Yolli Shoes so we can use it to defend ourselves.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

2013 Resolutions For Your CLOSET and Your SELF

Welcome to 2013, baby butts! 
Raise your hand if you thought you'd make it this far. We weren't going around making bomb shelters or anything but we've gotta say, we were worried...

But also completely ecstatic! Because a new YEAR means a whole new YOU. Unless, of course you're perfectly fine remaining the same and never ever changing. Which, personally sounds a bit boring but we aren't ones to force a wave on you. Even if we know it'll do you the utmost good. And make you super happy...

But if, however you find that you are ready to face this new age with an open mind and a bigger outlook, then please read on. We have provided an extensive list of possibilities for your rebirth into feeling alive and beautiful and brave (again)!

Tips on How to be Brave and Beautiful in 2013: 
Or Your Entry into Rebirth

1. Uggs are super fug. Stop wearing them.
Instead try a mid calf boot that won't get destroyed in the rain and doesn't resemble a really tall bedroom slipper. Being outside and walking around should be comfortable on your feet but in no way is it excusable to gallop about in public with a shuffle. Throw those ridiculous things in the backyard shed and save them for rare shoveling occasions or sweeping leaves out of a driveway. 

2. Certain facial piercings have got to stop. 
Unless you live at home in your parents' basement in the suburbs and work at Spencer's in the mall there is really no excuse for facial piercings that are involving anything other than the nose and certain parts of the lip. Sometimes eyebrows are acceptable. Mostly because the 90's (it appears) has made some everlasting fashion bruises that JUST. WON'T. HEAL.

For example, piercing your cheeks is disturbing. Stabbing a foreign, non-human object into the bridge of your nose makes me shutter uncontrollably. If your face looks as if you fell asleep in a tool box, it causes us to worry. 

And if I have to hear one more person click their tongue ring against their teeth, my body may explode into one thousand pieces. That thing is scratching off all of your essential enamel! And you may need that someday, okay!? We just care about you. And your future self. That's all. :)

3. You can have more than one hairdo.

 See, I have an incredibly short attention span and am completely aware that aside from making changes to my clothing, I can also make changes to my hairstyle. Hair is like clay. It is absolutely malleable. Given the right hair product (or Elmer's glue) you can make your hair do just about ANYTHING. And if you chose the skinhead route or if you can't help but have no hair at all, wigs are making a healthy comeback. And I'm willing to bet there are some great hats, scarves and headbands at your disposal.

If your hair is long, you can pretty much do anything. Braids, buns, twists, ponies, cornrows, you name it! If your hair is medium length, the list grows shorter but you still have plenty of options in your favor. You can do the half up, half down look or clip one side of your hair up and above your ears. The possibilities are somewhat endless.
If your hair is short, you may need to enter the Hair Product Zone or just try different combing techniques. I am a big fan of not having to wash my hair more than I need to which is why I usually avoid the goop, but if you're a human fish and enjoy being cold in the winter make yourself a little hair helmet like crazy!

And ahh, did I mention the braid? Well, it's one of the most wonderful things about being a girl! The possibilities are almost endless and what could be cuter than a twisty thing hanging from your head and wagging to and fro?!

4. Own a pair of heels. 

For those nights when you truly want to impress! I can honestly say that heels pushed my confidence level above and beyond and I will always recommend them for any event that requires me to stand up straight and look people in the eye. When you've lived your whole life being shorter than everyone else, having that little boost makes all the difference.

"clip clop clip cloppity" - heels

See, heeled shoes aren't just for the runway models, Rupauls and Lady Gagas of the world. Oh heavens no! Heels are for everyone.  Not just Barbie and Midge. Us Skippers may have ourselves some flat feet but we can pour those babies right into the soul of a sleek heeled slipper. Well, most of us can at least!

Heels: They're what's for dinner.

And wearing heels doesn't have to be a pain in your sole, babes. I wouldn't dare wear a heel that wasn't comfortable. I recommend shopping for them at a place that doesn't also sell furniture or food. That way you can ask a nearby sales person for advice and they can answer any brand or trend questions you may have.

Turquoise and purple?! What a genius idea!

And in most cases, a good pair of heels will end up being an investment. I used to refuse to spend over 40 dollars on a pair of shoes. Until I started to notice the trend of my shoes breaking or disintegrating every few months. It's all about quality over quantity. You can own dozens of shoes that just lie around in your closet with busted bottoms and broken heels OR you could own a few essential wonders that last for years and save you money in the long run!

Put that shoe caddy to work. Find the heel that works best for YOU!

But yes, heels. If you're afraid of them, stop doing that! Get yourself a little kitten heel to start and practice walking around the kitchen and living room. When you feel comfortable enough, work yourself up to the porch and eventually THE YARD. Trust me, it's worth the effort and money droppings.

Sweet dreams are made of these... Mmmmhmmm!

*And please don't feel that you must limit yourself to the average, everyday basic pump. Oh no! There are so many choices out there. Shoes of every color, every style, every mood and size and height. In fact, here are a couple of examples of what the future holds for those little fancy feet of yours:

Yummy treats by one of our faves Poetic Licence

And another treasure by Poetic Licence

You can even wear heels while sitting on a machine! It's so easy!

"Mulder, it's me Skully."

Yeah. That's how you do it.

Modern day rainbow!

5. Take Better Care of Yourself!

Whomever started wearing their p-jams to the gym was just silly.

We mean this in the best way possible since we don't know actually who you are right now. If you happen to be the healthiest person on the planet, please move on to the next one.

But really. We know there are many of us that don't do as good as we could. Meaning: stop putting so many chemicals into your body. Check your food labels, kids! Because our bodies house our very beings and that house should be maintained and cared for like a precious temple. We may be stating the obvious here but we know how easy it is to fall into the routine of laziness and convenience.

Push it. Just push it, ladies.

It may be that this is the year when I turn the big THREE OH! And such a daunting number has shed an enormous amount of light on things. Now that I am reaching what most people refer to as "middle age", I have realized that I really need to pay more attention to what my body is telling me. Because this shell that we walk around in is what people see. Whether we like it or not, it is our first impression. And why not make it a lasting one?

Just pretend you're walkin' up some steps to a really cool party!

So if we change even just one little bad habit, it could make a world of difference. You could shed a couple of  those 2AM Hot Dog Snacks from Jake's per week, for example. Because you won't even remember such greasy cuisine anyway! Or you could start drinking more water, lessen your soda pop intake from one 2-liter to one CAN. Pack your own lunch, walk or ride your bike to work instead of driving (if it's possible and the weather is permitting). Or simply start drinking that champagne earlier so that you can get a good night's sleep! It's all so simple really!

While grocery bopping, make sure to always check your labelzzz!

Please let us know if we can offer anymore suggestions. But we can't promise we will follow them ourselves...

6. Start Wearing Stockings!

Perhaps it could be linked to an everlasting fear I have of accidentally falling on a naked man but I believe that wearing skirts and dresses without stockings is quite possibly the most dangerous thing a woman could do. Mother Nature agrees with me. Which is why quick bursts of wind exist; to blow those skirts up and around, exposing your bottom to the terrifying human elements that surround you. Because I am so absolutely sure about this, I have decided to include a list of reasons you should NOT ever NOT wear stockings:

a. Because it is absolutely possible that you could stumble onto a naked man (with a halfy) in an alley.

b. Why would you want to shave your legs more often than you have to?

c. You can sit spread eagle without anyone getting offended.

d. People will still think you're sexy but in a more modest sort of way!

e. Avoid inner thigh chaffing and the weird sound our bottom parts make when nakedly rubbed together!

f. Depending on the type of tights, you can flatten areas that usually don't like to be contained!
g. You know how your mother always says to wear clean underwear? Well, no one will know the state of your knickers when you've got stockings on veil detail!

Fee Fi Fo Fum. We smell the blood of a weirdly stylish WOO-MAN!

Alright, I think I've made my case known here. Oh! And make those stockings last longer by handwashing them in the sink and simply hanging them over the shower rail. Our grandmothers didn't have nylons hanging all over the place just to make us feel uncomfortable. They just knew how to savor the few things they had.

7. Bring Some of That Proper Etiquette Back!

Class is IN, ladies!

Emily Post may have seemed a rather... stiff lady. Always keeping her back straight, her dinner fork on the right and her knees modestly crossed. But despite all the silliness of such dainty rules, it is still a style of mannerism worth revisiting.

Next book club meeting material? Most certainly so!

Because you see, this woman was certainly onto something! In the fast pace of this modern zoo we live in, we are often running on autopilot and therefore forgetting about the contents of the world around us. And just like the earth is mostly made up of water, WE are mostly made up of other people. People that can and will decide how they feel about us based on a simple glance or a quick encounter.

Hope these girls didn't run into their future mothers-in-law tonight...

First impressions are so important! So why not walk around the world with the acknowledgement that every step you take, every move you make, someone is probably watching you. (Yes, I just quoted Sting.)

MEMORIZE THIS! Just kidding. That's weird.

Now, you don't have to get all BBC Blitzed and start sipping tea while holding the saucer below your chin, pinkie swirling in the air. And in no way should you start wearing bonnets, offering goats as gifts or curtsying (though that would be very cute...).
We are just suggesting a few mere adjustments in your everyday routine. Things that will not only benefit you but will also make life easier on those around you. Especially if you're one of those obnoxiously loud 'bus talkers'...

You don't need to wear a bonnet to be a sweetheart.

Here are a couple of suggestions from the well-mannered Emily Post herself (including a few of our own modern day alterations):
Emily says: "Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory."
In other words: Unless people sat down around a stage or table with the knowledge that you were going to be the only one speaking, it may be best to let everyone else get a word in now and again. And if you don't really have anything to say, why not try the ancient art of 'listening'? People used to do it all the time and it requires very little effort. Basically if you think of a conversation like a see-saw - each person getting their turn in the air - you really can't go wrong here!

Emily says: "People who picnic along the public highway leaving a clutter of greasy paper and swill (not a pretty name, but neither is it a pretty object!) for other people to walk or drive past, and to make a breeding place for flies, and furnish nourishment for rats, choose a disgusting way to repay the land-owner for the liberty they took in temporarily occupying his property."
In Other Words: There really is no excuse for littering. I once pushed a man down in broad daylight for throwing newspapers all over the street. And then I picked them all up while he sat there and watched me, baffled. It may not have been the most polite approach but I believe that Emily would've been proud!

8. Stop Being Afraid of Change. Of Fashion. Of Taking a RISK!

I say this without the least bit of hilarity. Because really, this fear of looking outrageously awesome just needs to stop. We need to start wearing more colors, more patterns, more of everything. Imagine that our goal as a Fashion Forward Folk is to make ourselves visible from Venus. As that weird pop singer said in that Goofy Movie that I totally have no recollection of seeing (yeah...), "Ya gotta stand out above the crowd, even if you gotta shout out loud!"

As a young girl, those words resonated throughout my adolescence. And even though I wasn't incredibly extreme with how I dressed, I still took risks. I wore my dad's turtlenecks as dresses. I wore my mom's velvet blazer over her old Gloria Vanderbilt bum-hugging jeans (and this was the 90's). All I'm saying is precisely what that weird Michael Jackon-esque cartoon man was implying in his hooky anthem; that you get one little life to lead so stop hiding behind a pair of chinos or your iPhone.

Let's just pretend for a second that we live in Japan where anything goes. Oh, wait a minute! We already live in a city where anything goes: Olympia, Washington! Just because it rains all the time and the sun teases us like a high school crush and sometimes we gotta walk our bikes up a hill doesn't mean we've got to jeopardize our style in the process. I'm not asking you to start dressing like a crazy pop star or an insane person. I'm not asking you to be a slave to fashion. Just don't be its victim!


Pretty easy, right? Well, that's not all. We've got plenty more advice and knowledge to share with you kittens. But for now, you'll have to take these few little tidbits and use them how you'd like. But we'll be back with many more ridiculously witty and stylized bombs to drop on your bottoms!

So Stay Tuned, Baby Butts!

Andrea & KT