Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How to Be a Halloween Dream (in less than 24 hours!)

Family Fun! The good ol' fashioned way!

It's only one day away, baby folks! The grandest, most fantastic night of the year: HALLOWEEN! Yes, that's right. Somehow Easter and the opening eve of Fashion Week (I actually don't even know when that is or if an 'opening eve' exists) didn't make the cut.

'Whoooooooooooo dat be?'

You see, Halloween exists for three very important reasons:
1. Getting drunk in disguise
2. Having an excuse to get a sugar high
3. Taking fashion to the NEXT LEVEL!!!

Elvis Prestley as Autumn Man with Beach Bunny Pochahaunty

If you still haven't decided on a costume yet, then maybe you shouldn't even bother leaving the house... JUST KIDDING, YOU GUYS! No, but really. For future reference (or if you have a time machine) it is always best to plan your costume well in advance. Nothing stands out like an earless bunny more than an obviously non-planned 'costume' in a sea of terrific, well thought out gems. It just screams 'PATHETIC'!

We have no clue either...

So imagine this: it is Halloween Eve. You have nearly one thousand party invitations scattered on your bed. At first you think about how difficult it's going to be to make an appearance at each one. You wonder how you'll pull it off. How you'll bless enough faces with your presence in the time allotted. And then BLAM! You realize that each and every invite has something in common: Costumes are mandatory! You scramble around, biting your nails and wondering what on earth could cause you to have such terrible luck. But have no fear, SHOP GIRLS ARE HERE!!!

And now that we've frightened you a bit, we have decided to share our greatest last minute costume tips with the chosen few that stumble upon this modest (though incredibly wise) little blog.

HOW TO BE A HALLOWEEN DREAM (In Less Than 24 Hours!):

My costume plan for next year. Don't steal it please.


'Huh? Why?"

First and foremost, no one thinks it's funny. Anymore. I'm sure maybe on some remote island somewhere on the face of this planet there is a clan of folks that would get quite a kick out of this idea. But good luck flying out there this last minute! Dressing up as a zombie ANYTHING is like offering french fries with a sandwich. Everyone in town is already doing it and it will never be surprising.
"Oh my garsh, is Mandy dressed up as a cheerleader that is ALSO a zombie? That is so freakin clever. And startling."
Nope. No one has ever said the word 'zombie' and 'surprising' in the same sentence since 1978. So please stop doing it already! Zombies are weird and stupid and being one will probably keep all possible hookups away.

INSTEAD, WE RECOMMEND: Adding the suffix 'Zilla or 'Mom' to any costume. For example, someone dressed as a boring panda could now be a PANDAZILLA! Half fire-breathing monster, half cute fuzzy weird bear. Or if someone's going as an overly handsome Soccer Star, we suggest being a Soccer Star's Mom (aka Soccer Mom) instead.

Other such ideas include but are not limited to: 

Best Buy Employee-Zilla
Obscure Comic Book Character-Zilla
Big Flower-Zilla
Monkey Mom
Amy Winehouse as a Mom

The Infamous MOM Costume hard at work.


Apparently Honey Badger really DOESN'T give a shit. About temperature or pride.

You know what we're talking about. You must be aware of those prepackaged costumes that ladies are buying at ridiculous prices. Those bags that contain nothing more than some skimpy, sheer loan cloth sized fabric, along with one prop and maybe a headband. Eighty dollars just seems like a lot of money to spend on something you'll only wear for two hours before spilling beer and fake blood on it. If Hollywood is making fun of it, you know it's gotta be bad. (I'm sure you've all seen Mean Girls...) Ladybugs, giraffes, penguins and clownfish are not ever sexy things. So please, for the sake of me keeping my lunch down, stop dressing as them.

Yes. This is a Babe the Blue Ox costume. For someone that forgot what oxes actually looked like.

Basically, the whole 'sexy', teeny tiny costume thing has become one big inside joke to the rest of us. We all laugh about it constantly. There is a global sized group of us, wearing costumes we aren't shivering in and it's AWESOME!

This is a 'sexy' tarantula costume. I actually can't even look at this!!! Those eyes!

Instead, WE RECOMMEND: Making sure to keep warm when it's this close to November! One can definitely be sexy without letting their cleavage bubble forth or their bums spill out the back. We swear that it's possible.

Cops love Halloween. We don't know why exactly but we've been dying to find out!

Sexy Costumes That Are Actually Sexy:

Elvira (in case you forgot)

Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie
Cher in the 80's

Chain Metal with a damn sexy purpose.

A woman dressing as a Rolling Stone (circa 1970s)
A man dressing as a Spice Girl (circa 1990s!)
Anyone dressing as a Spice Girl, actually...
Lara Croft (only if you strap real guns to your thighs)
Pam Grier (from ANY role)

Look at those guns! Hell to the yessirthankyoumaam.

Annie Hall (according to anyone that's not a sleazeball)
All members of Josie and the Pussycats

Ladies' Night never looked so right.


If you didn't know better, you may think this was a candid shot from an actual Monster Bash. Great job, guys!

Okay, we have to admit that we'd totally veto the anti-zombie idea as long as anyone dressed as a zombie actually acts like a zombie. We ain't talking mere arm-stretching. We mean not speaking any sort of distinguishable word, occasionally drooling, staggering instead of walking, staring off into space, tilting your head to one side, hungering for human flesh. Being believable is what brings the thrill out of Halloween! Saying you're a Zombie Man Princess and actually being a Zombie Man Princess are two different things. For example, I don't know any Zombie anythings that just sit there fisting potato chips in their mouths while laughing and chugging warm beer. Or maybe I do... But either way, if it's not true to the character then it's not true to Halloween.

Same goes for all those sexy ladybugs out there. Ladybugs don't talk. At least probably not in English. So stay true to your costume and buzz around looking for cool leaves to munch on all night!

These aardvarks know how to stay in character!


Friends don't let friends dress up as their friends.

Just don't do it! Unless, of course I know who you are and who that friend is. No one likes feeling left out. Nor do they like to be caught off guard by a costume that doesn't make sense to them. People can easily feel inadequate at costume guessing. Which is how bar fights usually begin...


Because no matter how much we make fun of things or how deeply we slander certain styles and costume ideas, we truly love you. And always will! Even if you still decide to be a sexy hamster for Halloween after all.

Hope your evening is as magical as it could've been back then!!!

We hope you stay safe, drink plenty, see a bat, feel spooky, find a ghost, slay a dragon, drop acid (jk), find true love, eat good candy, ride on an evening float, learn to fly a broomstick, run through a cornmaze and dress up like we know you know how to! Only once a year can we be something we're not without any explanation. Only once a year can we act like children and TP houses and talk in funny voices without anyone giving a crap. Actually you can do most of those things during the entire length of a year. You may just have to make sure that no one's watching. But if they are (and they seem to like it) then please please please give them a show!

H A P P Y    H A L L O W E E N,  D E A R   R E A D E R S!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Reason to Wear a Dress: To Soak Up the "Blood"!

If you live in Olympia and are looking for the finest of festivities during this haunted holiday season LOOK NO FURTHER! (Or maybe continue to look but keep this one at the top of your weekday planner, tucked in every notebook and written on every wall as a reminder of terrible importance.)

For on the upcoming Thursday of this very week, Hot Toddy and Native Havoc present to you:


Place: The Urban Onion in our very own downtown Olympia. Right across from Sylvester Park.
Time: The festivities begin on October 25th, Thursday at 9pm but you're more than welcome to show up when you choose to.
Why: For a bloody good thrill!!! And also, to benefit Olympia's own Safe Place. And ALSO because it's a fantastic adventure that really should happen more often.
How much: 15 dollars will get you in the door and 100 percent of that goes right to Safe Place! Trade in a couple of future beers for a good cause!

Picture this: Women and men. Men and women. But mostly women and women will be wrestling each other to the "DEATH". Atop saggy mattresses whilst "blood" gets thrown upon their angry bodies. Surrounded by a crowd of trillions, these wrestlers will do anything to win.

You will see dragons and unicorns and celebrity heartthrobs. You will feel the splatter of intensity with every splash of "blood". You will chant and cheer, laugh and scream, cry and wish you were up there. It's a night to never forget and we hope you'll be there!

And about wearing that dress... what could be more wonderful than using your frock to soak up every ounce of dark, twisted, silly and incredible proof that your evening was more unique than anyone else's?!

KT and Andrea


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Welcome to Hangover Town!

Population: one, you!


Just kidding. You probably aren't the only one walking around with a hangover. In fact, you may even be one of several million people that are suffering from such silly business. And so I have decided to offer my assistance to those of you that need a little fashionable guidance on such internally gloomy days.

"Thanks for the tea but I could really use a massage right now."

(Back Story: For the last two evenings I have decided to fall asleep stone sober. The reason for such madness isn't necessary to divulge at this time but do know that it involves me thinking I would be more functional in the morning if did so. Actual discovery is that I'm not only less functional but I am definitely more crabby. Right now. Which means I am in the perfect spot to honestly lay it down.)

Pardon me while I rest my eyes a moment.


Welcome to Hangover Town! 

Or How to Look Like You Didn't Wake Up Late and Aren't Feeling Like a Crumble Crab:

1. Put a mint in your mouth.

"Oh, Humphrey Honey. If only you knew how awful you smell and how big your head is."

I say this first and foremost because I believe that most terrible moods begin with bad breath. Why do you think the world's crankiest codgers have the worst scent passing through their sour puss sneers? Probably because their insides are rotting away. But maybe also because they're just having a year-long stint of bad days like the rest of us...

Some folks really wanna get down to the source of bad breath...

2. Ladies, redden your pout. It may seem like a hazardous choice but the redder the lipstick shade you wear, the brighter your teeth will appear. It's a little something I like to call Magic. And if you pick the right hue it'll not only create snow blindness in others but it'll also make the whole rest of you seem more alive. As if you just popped out of a catalog. As if you just stepped down from a window display. You'll feel nearly great in an instant. (Not recommended for straight men that are hungoverly looking for action.)

... and if he loves lipstick on his collar, layer that red on thick!

3. Make yourself look flushed.

Blushing: All the hip guys are doing it.

This applies to all genders. I find that the rosier the cheek, the more awake one appears. Adding a natural looking bit of color to the apples of your cheeks (be it with rouge, clay, marker or just by pinching) may just keep your boss from asking if you're feeling okay. It puts the life back in one's mug, the pep back in one's step!

Immediate fresh face! Just apply rouge or lipstick or paint or chalk or kisses.

4. Do as the tramps do and bathe in the sink.
This woman is actually is a gypsy and she sees your fate in a bubble. Which is what usually happens when you soak your body in warm water for too long...

When I was a kid, I absolutely hated cleaning myself. Which made taking a "Whore's Bath" or as my mother liked to call it, "Pits n' Parts" a little slice of heaven. All you had to do was wipe down all the stinkiest areas while standing in front of the bathroom sink and PRESTO! New woman!
I haven't changed much since then which is why I still say a sneakaroo into the old toilet arena to freshen your lady bits is well-advised. Especially when your job requires working with strangers that have a tendency to judge someone based on level of stench.

Even famous people prefer not to use towels sometimes!

Pits N' Parts Steps:
1. Get a washcloth, loofah, sponge or pile of newspaper. 
2. Run it under the hottest water you can stand while squirting your cleaning device with some sort of cleaning agent (aka soap, bubbles, butter, liquor). 
3. Take enough clothing off so that your armpits and private parts are exposed. That way you won't risk soaking your entire outfit in dirty soap water. 
4. Scrub to your heart's content! Test to see if one area is clean by sniffing.
5. I recommend also patting yourself dry with an object that is preferably cleaner and drier than you are. 

As you can see, real showers are dangerous. Best to be avoided unless you've had a lot of time to hide weapons and plan your escape route.

5. Men's cologne hides more odors, go figure! 

There was no way we couldn't include this.

 If it's one of those days where you're sweating last night's pina coladas, your hair smells like a backyard and you're wearing the outfit you woke up in then I highly recommend ditching the fluffy fragrance and stealing some of that serious stuff from a man you know. Or a stranger. If you happen to know anyone with the once popular Pi (aka math symbol meaning 3.14... to infinity) cologne, keep it for always. I have been sneaking around mall makeup counters since junior high just to spritz that heavenly Man Spice on my wrist. Watch out though. Men's cologne is highly addictive. And can attractive the wrong kind of crowd if you aren't careful.

If you aren't already terrified of this woman's fingernails, you best be afraid of her gifting a man cologne threat.

6. Avoid greasy foods, it'll only make you feel and look much worse. 
Marilyn agrees. Cheeseburgers don't really do the tummy right!

Instead try drinking plenty of water and eating something that resembles nourishment. Say poo poo to the jelly doughnut and yes yes to the hearty salad. If you're looking haggard on the outside, what makes you think you aren't feeling the same on the INSIDE? We do not recommend any sort of spaghetti or pizza puff. Nor do we suggest you only eat something picked straight from a garden. I usually go for something easy to hold up to my mouth like a tasty wrap, heavily condimented hot dog or a creepily transparent spring roll.

7. Smile a whole bunch!

If Doris Day can do it in a ball gown, you can most certainly do it in Hangover Town!

 You may have just thrown up at the thought of such a gesture but a smile (I guess, depending on how clean the teeth and how visibly chapped the lip) is generally a magnet for happiness. If your schlubby self is walking around all over town with a frown, the only thing you'll be attracting is an army of rain clouds and (if you're lucky) some street pity. But we live in the Northwest so who needs another rain cloud? I certainly don't! And there really isn't enough pity to go around these days. So we suggest smiling so wide that your head nearly falls off. That way there's not one excuse for someone to treat you badly. Plus the pain in your jaw will eventually outweigh the pain in your head.

(Until, of course the annoying dude that thinks the bricks on your building are a set of drums comes waltzing by. You can tuck a frown away for THAT guy.)

And now for some classic advertisements for Man Juices. Most of these are no longer in production due to high volume of deaths from women throwing themselves on top of anyone with even a hint of each scent.

Just look at the danger this man is in. Lady with a sparkle in her eye, tightly wound leash, wrinkly dogs with a taste for blood...!

Sorry this is so blurry. I promise it's definitely worth a squint!

When you finish drooling, get a magnifying glass.
I was wondering the same thing myself...

We don't know what era this is from but we love it!

And we love YOU, TOO!!!

Andrea & KT

P.S. I just had to share this photograph. Because it's amazing and that animal is maybe a buffalo baby pretending to be an ox and I don't quite know what else to say about it but did I mention that it's amazing?

New mascot!

Okay bye!