Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How to Be a Halloween Dream (in less than 24 hours!)

Family Fun! The good ol' fashioned way!

It's only one day away, baby folks! The grandest, most fantastic night of the year: HALLOWEEN! Yes, that's right. Somehow Easter and the opening eve of Fashion Week (I actually don't even know when that is or if an 'opening eve' exists) didn't make the cut.

'Whoooooooooooo dat be?'

You see, Halloween exists for three very important reasons:
1. Getting drunk in disguise
2. Having an excuse to get a sugar high
3. Taking fashion to the NEXT LEVEL!!!

Elvis Prestley as Autumn Man with Beach Bunny Pochahaunty

If you still haven't decided on a costume yet, then maybe you shouldn't even bother leaving the house... JUST KIDDING, YOU GUYS! No, but really. For future reference (or if you have a time machine) it is always best to plan your costume well in advance. Nothing stands out like an earless bunny more than an obviously non-planned 'costume' in a sea of terrific, well thought out gems. It just screams 'PATHETIC'!

We have no clue either...

So imagine this: it is Halloween Eve. You have nearly one thousand party invitations scattered on your bed. At first you think about how difficult it's going to be to make an appearance at each one. You wonder how you'll pull it off. How you'll bless enough faces with your presence in the time allotted. And then BLAM! You realize that each and every invite has something in common: Costumes are mandatory! You scramble around, biting your nails and wondering what on earth could cause you to have such terrible luck. But have no fear, SHOP GIRLS ARE HERE!!!

And now that we've frightened you a bit, we have decided to share our greatest last minute costume tips with the chosen few that stumble upon this modest (though incredibly wise) little blog.

HOW TO BE A HALLOWEEN DREAM (In Less Than 24 Hours!):

My costume plan for next year. Don't steal it please.


'Huh? Why?"

First and foremost, no one thinks it's funny. Anymore. I'm sure maybe on some remote island somewhere on the face of this planet there is a clan of folks that would get quite a kick out of this idea. But good luck flying out there this last minute! Dressing up as a zombie ANYTHING is like offering french fries with a sandwich. Everyone in town is already doing it and it will never be surprising.
"Oh my garsh, is Mandy dressed up as a cheerleader that is ALSO a zombie? That is so freakin clever. And startling."
Nope. No one has ever said the word 'zombie' and 'surprising' in the same sentence since 1978. So please stop doing it already! Zombies are weird and stupid and being one will probably keep all possible hookups away.

INSTEAD, WE RECOMMEND: Adding the suffix 'Zilla or 'Mom' to any costume. For example, someone dressed as a boring panda could now be a PANDAZILLA! Half fire-breathing monster, half cute fuzzy weird bear. Or if someone's going as an overly handsome Soccer Star, we suggest being a Soccer Star's Mom (aka Soccer Mom) instead.

Other such ideas include but are not limited to: 

Best Buy Employee-Zilla
Obscure Comic Book Character-Zilla
Big Flower-Zilla
Monkey Mom
Amy Winehouse as a Mom

The Infamous MOM Costume hard at work.


Apparently Honey Badger really DOESN'T give a shit. About temperature or pride.

You know what we're talking about. You must be aware of those prepackaged costumes that ladies are buying at ridiculous prices. Those bags that contain nothing more than some skimpy, sheer loan cloth sized fabric, along with one prop and maybe a headband. Eighty dollars just seems like a lot of money to spend on something you'll only wear for two hours before spilling beer and fake blood on it. If Hollywood is making fun of it, you know it's gotta be bad. (I'm sure you've all seen Mean Girls...) Ladybugs, giraffes, penguins and clownfish are not ever sexy things. So please, for the sake of me keeping my lunch down, stop dressing as them.

Yes. This is a Babe the Blue Ox costume. For someone that forgot what oxes actually looked like.

Basically, the whole 'sexy', teeny tiny costume thing has become one big inside joke to the rest of us. We all laugh about it constantly. There is a global sized group of us, wearing costumes we aren't shivering in and it's AWESOME!

This is a 'sexy' tarantula costume. I actually can't even look at this!!! Those eyes!

Instead, WE RECOMMEND: Making sure to keep warm when it's this close to November! One can definitely be sexy without letting their cleavage bubble forth or their bums spill out the back. We swear that it's possible.

Cops love Halloween. We don't know why exactly but we've been dying to find out!

Sexy Costumes That Are Actually Sexy:

Elvira (in case you forgot)

Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie
Cher in the 80's

Chain Metal with a damn sexy purpose.

A woman dressing as a Rolling Stone (circa 1970s)
A man dressing as a Spice Girl (circa 1990s!)
Anyone dressing as a Spice Girl, actually...
Lara Croft (only if you strap real guns to your thighs)
Pam Grier (from ANY role)

Look at those guns! Hell to the yessirthankyoumaam.

Annie Hall (according to anyone that's not a sleazeball)
All members of Josie and the Pussycats

Ladies' Night never looked so right.


If you didn't know better, you may think this was a candid shot from an actual Monster Bash. Great job, guys!

Okay, we have to admit that we'd totally veto the anti-zombie idea as long as anyone dressed as a zombie actually acts like a zombie. We ain't talking mere arm-stretching. We mean not speaking any sort of distinguishable word, occasionally drooling, staggering instead of walking, staring off into space, tilting your head to one side, hungering for human flesh. Being believable is what brings the thrill out of Halloween! Saying you're a Zombie Man Princess and actually being a Zombie Man Princess are two different things. For example, I don't know any Zombie anythings that just sit there fisting potato chips in their mouths while laughing and chugging warm beer. Or maybe I do... But either way, if it's not true to the character then it's not true to Halloween.

Same goes for all those sexy ladybugs out there. Ladybugs don't talk. At least probably not in English. So stay true to your costume and buzz around looking for cool leaves to munch on all night!

These aardvarks know how to stay in character!


Friends don't let friends dress up as their friends.

Just don't do it! Unless, of course I know who you are and who that friend is. No one likes feeling left out. Nor do they like to be caught off guard by a costume that doesn't make sense to them. People can easily feel inadequate at costume guessing. Which is how bar fights usually begin...


Because no matter how much we make fun of things or how deeply we slander certain styles and costume ideas, we truly love you. And always will! Even if you still decide to be a sexy hamster for Halloween after all.

Hope your evening is as magical as it could've been back then!!!

We hope you stay safe, drink plenty, see a bat, feel spooky, find a ghost, slay a dragon, drop acid (jk), find true love, eat good candy, ride on an evening float, learn to fly a broomstick, run through a cornmaze and dress up like we know you know how to! Only once a year can we be something we're not without any explanation. Only once a year can we act like children and TP houses and talk in funny voices without anyone giving a crap. Actually you can do most of those things during the entire length of a year. You may just have to make sure that no one's watching. But if they are (and they seem to like it) then please please please give them a show!

H A P P Y    H A L L O W E E N,  D E A R   R E A D E R S!!

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