Just kidding. You probably aren't the only one walking around with a hangover. In fact, you may even be one of several million people that are suffering from such silly business. And so I have decided to offer my assistance to those of you that need a little fashionable guidance on such internally gloomy days.
|"Thanks for the tea but I could really use a massage right now."|
(Back Story: For the last two evenings I have decided to fall asleep stone sober. The reason for such madness isn't necessary to divulge at this time but do know that it involves me thinking I would be more functional in the morning if did so. Actual discovery is that I'm not only less functional but I am definitely more crabby. Right now. Which means I am in the perfect spot to honestly lay it down.)
|Pardon me while I rest my eyes a moment.|
Welcome to Hangover Town!
Or How to Look Like You Didn't Wake Up Late and Aren't Feeling Like a Crumble Crab:
1. Put a mint in your mouth.
|"Oh, Humphrey Honey. If only you knew how awful you smell and how big your head is."|
I say this first and foremost because I believe that most terrible moods begin with bad breath. Why do you think the world's crankiest codgers have the worst scent passing through their sour puss sneers? Probably because their insides are rotting away. But maybe also because they're just having a year-long stint of bad days like the rest of us...
|Some folks really wanna get down to the source of bad breath...|
2. Ladies, redden your pout. It may seem like a hazardous choice but the redder the lipstick shade you wear, the brighter your teeth will appear. It's a little something I like to call Magic. And if you pick the right hue it'll not only create snow blindness in others but it'll also make the whole rest of you seem more alive. As if you just popped out of a catalog. As if you just stepped down from a window display. You'll feel nearly great in an instant. (Not recommended for straight men that are hungoverly looking for action.)
|... and if he loves lipstick on his collar, layer that red on thick!|
3. Make yourself look flushed.
|Blushing: All the hip guys are doing it.|
This applies to all genders. I find that the rosier the cheek, the more awake one appears. Adding a natural looking bit of color to the apples of your cheeks (be it with rouge, clay, marker or just by pinching) may just keep your boss from asking if you're feeling okay. It puts the life back in one's mug, the pep back in one's step!
|Immediate fresh face! Just apply rouge or lipstick or paint or chalk or kisses.|
4. Do as the tramps do and bathe in the sink.
|This woman is actually is a gypsy and she sees your fate in a bubble. Which is what usually happens when you soak your body in warm water for too long...|
When I was a kid, I absolutely hated cleaning myself. Which made taking a "Whore's Bath" or as my mother liked to call it, "Pits n' Parts" a little slice of heaven. All you had to do was wipe down all the stinkiest areas while standing in front of the bathroom sink and PRESTO! New woman!
I haven't changed much since then which is why I still say a sneakaroo into the old toilet arena to freshen your lady bits is well-advised. Especially when your job requires working with strangers that have a tendency to judge someone based on level of stench.
|Even famous people prefer not to use towels sometimes!|
Pits N' Parts Steps:
1. Get a washcloth, loofah, sponge or pile of newspaper.
2. Run it under the hottest water you can stand while squirting your cleaning device with some sort of cleaning agent (aka soap, bubbles, butter, liquor).
3. Take enough clothing off so that your armpits and private parts are exposed. That way you won't risk soaking your entire outfit in dirty soap water.
4. Scrub to your heart's content! Test to see if one area is clean by sniffing.
5. I recommend also patting yourself dry with an object that is preferably cleaner and drier than you are.
|As you can see, real showers are dangerous. Best to be avoided unless you've had a lot of time to hide weapons and plan your escape route.|
5. Men's cologne hides more odors, go figure!
|There was no way we couldn't include this.|
If it's one of those days where you're sweating last night's pina coladas, your hair smells like a backyard and you're wearing the outfit you woke up in then I highly recommend ditching the fluffy fragrance and stealing some of that serious stuff from a man you know. Or a stranger. If you happen to know anyone with the once popular Pi (aka math symbol meaning 3.14... to infinity) cologne, keep it for always. I have been sneaking around mall makeup counters since junior high just to spritz that heavenly Man Spice on my wrist. Watch out though. Men's cologne is highly addictive. And can attractive the wrong kind of crowd if you aren't careful.
|If you aren't already terrified of this woman's fingernails, you best be afraid of her gifting a man cologne threat.|
6. Avoid greasy foods, it'll only make you feel and look much worse.
|Marilyn agrees. Cheeseburgers don't really do the tummy right!|
Instead try drinking plenty of water and eating something that resembles nourishment. Say poo poo to the jelly doughnut and yes yes to the hearty salad. If you're looking haggard on the outside, what makes you think you aren't feeling the same on the INSIDE? We do not recommend any sort of spaghetti or pizza puff. Nor do we suggest you only eat something picked straight from a garden. I usually go for something easy to hold up to my mouth like a tasty wrap, heavily condimented hot dog or a creepily transparent spring roll.
7. Smile a whole bunch!
|If Doris Day can do it in a ball gown, you can most certainly do it in Hangover Town!|
You may have just thrown up at the thought of such a gesture but a smile (I guess, depending on how clean the teeth and how visibly chapped the lip) is generally a magnet for happiness. If your schlubby self is walking around all over town with a frown, the only thing you'll be attracting is an army of rain clouds and (if you're lucky) some street pity. But we live in the Northwest so who needs another rain cloud? I certainly don't! And there really isn't enough pity to go around these days. So we suggest smiling so wide that your head nearly falls off. That way there's not one excuse for someone to treat you badly. Plus the pain in your jaw will eventually outweigh the pain in your head.
(Until, of course the annoying dude that thinks the bricks on your building are a set of drums comes waltzing by. You can tuck a frown away for THAT guy.)
And now for some classic advertisements for Man Juices. Most of these are no longer in production due to high volume of deaths from women throwing themselves on top of anyone with even a hint of each scent.
|Just look at the danger this man is in. Lady with a sparkle in her eye, tightly wound leash, wrinkly dogs with a taste for blood...!|
|Sorry this is so blurry. I promise it's definitely worth a squint!|
|When you finish drooling, get a magnifying glass.|
|I was wondering the same thing myself...|
|We don't know what era this is from but we love it!|
And we love YOU, TOO!!!
Andrea & KT
P.S. I just had to share this photograph. Because it's amazing and that animal is maybe a buffalo baby pretending to be an ox and I don't quite know what else to say about it but did I mention that it's amazing?