Wednesday, September 26, 2012

And even MORE Advice for the Olympia Gentleman

We know you can't get enough. And so we are offering even MORE advice for that special Olympian Wannabe Gentleman out there. But, dear readers you should keep in mind that these tips aren't just for those in this capital city. Nope way!

This ever expanding list of advice is for anyone and everyone that you think could benefit from it. Even if it just serves as a cheerer upper for those down in the Northwesternly Weatherbee Slumps (which is a condition I made up right now but that probably totally exists). You could even just memorize these words, walk around the world and recite them to every frumpity frump you encounter.

And so it goes...

1. Playing Your Guitar on the Street is Real Cool. 
If you've got a backing band around you, a stage below you and another band playing after you. Or if you're good at it and wearing shoes. Sure, singing your heart out while sitting indian-style on the sidewalk with your pitbull hanging off the curb seems like something that could win any girl's heart. And maybe in another dimension or while at Burning Man such things hold true! But here in Reality Zone, women tend to shy away from the everyday street musician. Especially when they're a dime a (dirty) dozen!

Here is what we recommend:

a. Do NOT play original songs. No one knows what they are. No one is going to start dancing or wiggling their fanny toward you in a flirty way from hearing an unrecognizable song.

b. Do NOT play any songs by the following artists: Sublime, Pearl Jam, U2, The Verve Pipe, NIRVANA,  The Gin Blossoms, AEROSMITH, etc.

c. Unless you have some pretty incredible talents, do NOT attempt to play anything by the following folks: Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits or anyone else whose music is actually quite good. There is next to nothing worse than hearing a great song being butchered by a man with no shoes on.

d. Please DO play anything that no one would expect you to play. Think of genres that lone men on guitars wouldn't normally tackle. When you get home to your parents' basement, search through their record collection and focus on what came out in the 1970's that ISN'T Simon & Garfunkel. Gems such as: Rick James, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Little Richard, Olivia Newton John, ABBA, Barry Manilow, Electric Light Orchestra, The Village People and anyone else you think is the opposite of what a person like yourself would typically go for. Women love a man that loves a challenge!

(We also recommend looking like THIS GUY while doing it:)

2. Outdoor Spitting is somewhat of an epidemic.
You know what we're talking about. None of us Shopgirls are strangers to smoking tobacco and the odd taste that it leaves in our mouths. But the sounds that some habitual tokers make while attempting to rid themselves of such saliva is absolutely revolting. It's astonishing how much people can get away with. We get fined thousands of dollars for flicking a cigarette butt out our car window yet no one cares if we spit gross stuff all over town! Sure, there's the freedom of speech thing but shouldn't there be such thing as freedom to have a sidewalk that doesn't make you want to hurl in the morning? Whatevs though.

OooOooOO. Don't mind if I do.

If you (or someone you know) happen to be an Obnoxiously Constant Spitter (OCS for short), here is what we recommend:

a. Drink more water. I have a feeling that nasty taste in your mouth will eventually dissipate once you start hydrating yourself more appropriately.


b. Practice Polite Spitting. It's easier said than done but manners can really win over any lass. If you've got a free evening, use that time to teach yourself how to expectorate thoughtfully. Try the silent technique. If camels can spit quietly, so can you!

c. If all else fails, duck in an alley! We know how necessary it can be to get rid of the crazy that's building up in your mouth parts. If you can't hold it in, simply find a place that's already dirty and place your saliva there. Such places may include dark alleyways, street curbs, the inside of garbage cans, the crevice of a tissue, the bottom of an old barrel.

Proper placement of spit. Well done!

4. Camouflage is not a neutral.
"Oh no! Where'd your legs go!? I can see your feet and I can see your torso but your legs are somehow blending in with the scenery. Trippy." - what I like to say to anyone wearing camouflage while NOT hunting or hiding in a forest.

This is the kind of camouflage we LIKE! Where she be!?

Maybe you want to disappear from the world. Maybe you really like bland greys, beiges and taupes. Maybe your heart is a lonely hunter and happiness is indeed a warm gun. But really. REALLY it's just a silly texture to be wearing in everyday life. It stands out more than you'd like to think and it makes me think of a dusty desert where murders are happening. It's also maybe the opposite of romantic.

5. When your eyes are open, it means you care. 
Welcome to Olympia! The land of the "not really there" stare. You see, I have this strange thing that I do. I can't help but notice people. How they act, the way they present themselves and how their eyes behave. I like to think of it as a curse, really. But ANYWHO, if you'd really like to snag that fish of a lass you may want to open your eyes a little wider.

All ages can follow our simple tip. Keep those peeps peepin!

I read somewhere that the best way to look good in pictures while not sober is to open your eyes as wide as possible. Nothing looks more ridiculous than someone nearly in Nap Formation. The reason we bring this up is because as wide-eyed dames of the sound, we couldn't help but notice the trend of tired eyed boys.

Looking startled is sexy. Way sexier than looking bored.

Here is what we recommend:

a. Sleeping sometimes but not all the time. Ten hours a night may be fine for your grandpa but for a strapping young man, that's just silly. And if you aren't sleeping at all... well, that's maybe even sillier.

Dead or just stoned? We'll never really know.

b. Looking at yourself in the mirror every now and then. Checking yourself out. Making sure you're still breathing and while doing that you can try stretching your eyelids to normal seeing level. You may be surprised at what you'll find hiding beyond that heavy set of lids!

Coffee Drinkers are smart-looking. And intense. And have fantastic breath.

c. Drinking more coffee, smoking less... stuff? Or maybe none of those things or maybe both of those things. We aren't the experts in caffeine or drug use but if something is making you look like a constantly bored zombie, it may be time to shake your life around like an eight ball.

Glug glug glug!

d. Listening to way more Afrobeat and far less Reggae. Duh.

Jam dat jive!

Okay! These little tips should hold you over for the time being. I gotta finish this wine now. If you follow our Gentlemanly Plan, you will almost always see results. Feel free to leave us some feedback. We'd like to know if the Chivalrous Spells we've cast are working.

Cheers! We love you! Keep your eyes open and bright! MWAH!!!

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