Wednesday, August 29, 2012

MORE Advice For the Olympian Gentleman

At the moment I can hear the clang clang of traffic bells, alerting passersby of some sort of authority-related danger. I bring this up because lately I have begun to notice a trend happening in Olympia's downtown area. That trend is: Being a Ridiculous (and Oftentimes Dangerous) Weirdo.

I've scoured the city, interviewed street folk and came up with a list of tips for how to be dapper on a date while secretly being INSANE. If you know anyone that could benefit from this list please offer them a copy of it. And then walk briskly in another direction. Never turning around. Nor making eye contact.

Okay, okay. So maybe this has been going on in this city for ages. But I'm still two years fresh and I tend to notice things that people push to the back of their forgiving minds. So this is what I am offering tonight...

Advice for the Olympian Gentleman:  The Official Dating Guide for the Jobless Type

1. Do not walk around a metropolitan area without shoes on! 

We should've seen the warning signs... Barefoot, big teeth, weird accent.

I consider this to be a given but you'd be surprised how many folks take the barefoot plunge. Despite what we've all come to believe, 'sidewalks' are no longer meant for walking on (unless you're wearing something other than skin or flip flops). Think of all the chronic spitters, the dog shitters, the evening urinators, the wee hour thrower-uppers and the infamous naptime droolers.

I know it's cool to be chill and all 'whatever' but your feet are the one thing that's holding you up (assuming you don't have a wheelchair) so please keep those babies protected and saliva-free.

2. Even if you are a male, please (oh please!) keep your shirt on!

There's a reason convenient stores have handwritten poetic signs about this. Because it's not fair to us women that will get slapped with an 'indecent exposure' ticket if we try to pull the same thing. Also, one of my worst fears in life is to run head first into a stranger's naked chest. Especially if it's covered in sweat. And even more especially if my mouth happens to be open.

3. Keep your pets to a minimum. 

It's true. Girls tend to luuurrrvvv animals. Especially ones that have their shots and are well fed. Ones that get an endless supply of love and the promise of a warm bed at night. If you have five Pit Bulls that you pull around in a carriage along the side of the road then there's a chance that they aren't all getting the attention and affection that they deserve. If you walk around barefoot with a kitten on your shoulders, begging for change then maybe you can't afford to have a kitten.

My suggestion is to either find a stuffed animal you can carry around or... Become a Furry.*
Urban Dictionary's Definitions of A Furry

(I will give a hundred dollars to anyone that finds me that suit!)

*Actually the more I think about it, the more I agree with my previous statement. Everyone should probably just become a Furry... How cute/creepy!

4. Find a Way to Brush Your Teeth.

Toothbrushes are magical instruments and very hard to come by. They can clean your teeth while also preventing you from getting weird infections on the inside of your mouth. They can freshen your breath and tickle your tongue. They can clean toilets and faux finish walls. All of these uses in one little tool.

These days it's hard to find any such thing in the 'second hand but still clean' variety. I recommend splurging on such a treasure! If you do happen to get a kiss at the end of the night, your date will be MORE than pleased.

5. Play hard to get (AKA Do Not Beg to Be Let In).

If you're a human being in the modern world than you probably know about vampires. The secret is that as long as you don't invite them in, they can't GET in. Take this ancient rule into consideration when coming upon the end of a date.

Pretend you're a vampire that wants a thrill. And how exactly would you go about getting this lovely lady to let you into her home? The answer is simply to... Play It Cool.
The female race has a knack for sensing desperation. And unless they're on the rebound, it is not something they find attractive. So act like having a roof over your head is the last thing that's on your mind. If a torrential downpour is happening, feign enjoyment. Women love a man that loves nature. And Nature probably loves when you're not rolling around on her face so play your cards right and do the stuff.

(Note: If you are declined an indoor invitation, accept it with kindness. Never make a lady feel threatened. Because you have NO idea the wrath of a lady who finds out that you are really just a man secretly pretending to be a vampire in order to woo a lady into letting him use her shelter in more ways than one.)

6. Dumpster Diving is cool but save it for Date Number Two.

I haven't dumpster dived since I've lived in Oly but I have to admit that it used to turn me on. Any boy I was with suddenly became more... dirty. And rustic. Especially when wearing overalls...

But I recommend this sort of sexual role play for a later date. Maybe after she's met your Shoulder Cat at least twice and has come to accept the coarseness of your neck beard. When the time is right, I suggest taking her to a dumpster that has bagels and other such bread-related foods. Going diving for slimy half-eaten bananas and oysters amongst bags of sawdust makes for weird breath and a (possible) dozen trips to the outhouse.

ALRIGHT! YOU'VE MADE IT! You are well on the road to true dating bliss!
I'm going home now. Not to rub it in but... yeah.*

These guys have followed my lead. Go Team Wino!

*None of this version of More Advice For The Modern Gentleman is meant to offend or arouse negative feelings amongst any of this blog's readers. I've been drinking Pinot Grigio for a few hours and this was absolutely meant to be a burst of downright humor! But really though. If you know anyone that could benefit from these six tips, please print it out and hand it over to them with a smile!

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