Sunday, August 12, 2012

Trends I Don't Understand: Summer Headwear Alternatives

Maybe I am not down with the young folks anymore. I try to be a live and let live kind of person, and I'm not really offended by this whole phenom...just confused.

What do driving to the bank with my ex-boyfriend, galavanting around Portland and staring out downtown windows for hours at a time, all ventures that took place on different days, have in common? Two things: it has been at least 80 degrees every time AND I keep seeing people wandering around in their skimpy summer costumes, looking tan and lovely, but topping them off with slouchy ski hats and beanies. Whaaaaat?

I first noticed when I was visiting my dad in Spokane. To the native Olympian, it is hotter than hell in Spokane during the summer. I was wandering downtown, bored and alone, when two teenage boys skated past me, shirtless but beanie-d. That did not baffle me so much. Teenage boys are weird anyway.

Last week I was in Portland, pounding the pavement in a vintage quarter sleeve polyester dress and wishing I could just drown in all the sweat I was producing, and saw SCADS of girls in short shorts, flip flops, spaghetti strap tank tops aaandd....SLOUCHY KNIT BEANIES.

And today, according to the magic robot phone that I use as a replacement for having a brain most of the time, it is 81 degrees in Olympia, Washington. If you have spent any other season here, you know that any dry temperature over 60 is a BFD and everyone walks around practically naked, hoping to store up enough vitamin D to make it through another 9 month winter. Today is no exception, except that semi nudity is topped off with more beanies than I've ever seen! ANOTHER ONE JUST WALKED PAST AS I WAS TYPING THIS. Hot or cold, male or female or who cares, apparently the whole town is having a bad hair summer, or just really hoping to look like Stan from South Park.

(I wish I had photos to illustrate this trend, but I can't really think of a non-awkward way to say "Can I take a picture of your wacky outfit to shame you on the internet? I promise I'll blur your face out!")

I'm not saying this looks bad. I am definitely a hat person. I used to have this oversized felt beret that I almost daily, until I lost it in a bar (the ultimate fate of everything I've ever loved) and probably would wear well into the summer if it still existed. I just worry about you kids...It's warm here for once! I don't want you to overheat.

So, if you are scratching your damp, ski-capped head that is dripping hot sweat onto your sunburned shoulders and thinking "Gee, K.T., you're right, but how shall I keep my scalp from burning?" here are my suggestions:

1. Floppy Hat

"We're going where?"

Floppy sun hats are not longer the domain of your crazy gardening neighbor. They're so classy! Protection from the sun with a dash of mystery. "Oh this old thing? I just picked it up to protect my pasty, pasty northwest skin while on vacation in Marseille...."
Matches the sweater, even.

Also, as long as they are not made out of felt, they tend to be well ventilated. Let your brain breathe! And, in a pinch, you can turn it upside down and use it as a basket.

Topping off a summer outfit with a hat like this makes more sense, to me at least. The other problem I have with this whole beanie business is that they tend to be a completely arbitrary color in relation to the rest of the outfit. Andrea looks so cute here, and you can practically feel her hat-citement! (Cool pun, right? My brain is melting).

2. Vintage Turban Style

Maybe this is just my own petty desire, but I want turban-style scarf wearing to be a thing again. The few times I have attempted it many were impressed but most people acted like I was a total weirdo.

Luckily I'm used to that. Let's make fetch happen, girls and guys! It's a great solution if you're going near water and don't wanna get your hair wet, too.
If you have a square scarf, a safety pin and a head, you can totally figure out how to tie it all up on your own, but for the more Type A among us, this tutorial pretty much sums it up.

3. Snapbacks

If you're a dude or more tomboy-minded, you probably aren't drooling at my other headcovering suggestions. Snapbacks are a hot thing right now and you can get them anywhere, but you better jump on that train soon because I have a feeling the world is soon to become over saturated with them and they will eventually rest in the same obnoxious graveyard as trucker hats and fedoras.

But for the time being they still look fairly cool, work well on dudes and ladies and will shade your eyes from the blinding sun. And are more fun loving and seasonally appropriate than something knit.
(If you have a cool pic of yourself wearing a snapback that you want to share with the world, email it us and I'll put it up here, cause everything I found on Google was either ugly or seemed like it would result in a letter from a lawyer if I posted it without paying).

In Conclusion:

If you simply feel naked without your beanie then go with it. I just might be eyeballing you, a little bit confused, from a passing car someday. It's a free country and as much as I wish otherwise, I am not yet the emperor of the Republic of Dresses.

But please stay hydrated. I would hate for you to overheat and pass out on the pavement and crack your little nog and stain your beanie, because you will need both when winter starts again.

...Or maybe I just don't get it. I was born with the hair equivalent of a blackberry bush and my head would stay warm if I was camping in the North Pole. And, like I said, it's over 80 here today and yet I'm wearing a dress that has a freaking turtleneck to even out the awkwardness of being tights-less on a Sunday. We're all dumb in our own way.


According to the internet, you're supposed to have a Twitter or nothing you do will ever matter. So now we have one! I have no idea how it works but our name thingy is @ScuzzTown, so yell at us on there if you want. Something something.

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