Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Holiday Music For Weirdos!

I've hated holiday music for most of my life. One year I counted how many times I heard that stupid "Chestnuts roaaaaasting on an open fiiiiire" song in public between the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. I hit the triple digits swiftly.

A few years later, I ended up being a seasonal worker for a large lotion and body wash conglomerate most of us are familiar with. That cemented my ire. I worked the night stocking shift, and even though it was midnight, the mall was closed and there were no customers in the store, they wouldn't turn the holiday Muzak off.

This year, instead of being Grinchly, I decided I would create a resource for good holiday music. Not the same ten songs they play over and over at the mall. New things, handily categorized for how you feel about the holidays. 

Most of them are specific to the Baby Jesus market, for which I am sorry. We kind of view Christmas as a consumer/eating holiday over a religious one, anyway. Probably because we're heathens.

Do you love Funk and Soul? Are you more traditional, but bored of the standards? Wannabe cowboy or cowgirl? Very, very sad? Or a rocker until the day you die?
Chances are, you'll find something on this list you like, even if you detest December.

No Jingle Cats! No Nat King Cole! No Wham!!
This all you're getting for Christmas from us, Scuzz Town!! You better like it!
Check it out after the cut.

Funkmas and Your Eternal Sou
Holidays are the best time to boogie. A little booty shakin' goes a long way when it comes to staying warm all winter. These hot tunes span the funk and soul spectrum and are much cooler than your average carol.
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"-The Crystals

"Gee Whiz, It's Christmas" by Carla Thomas

"Soulful Christmas" by James Brown

"Christmas Everyday" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

"Chestnutz (The Christmas Song)" by Bootsy Collins

"Mary's Boy Child" by Boney M

"Winter Wonderland" by Booker T. and the MGs

"Feels Like Christmas" by Al Green

A Little More Traditional For Your Christmas Lounge 
If you want to step outside the Christmas norm without giving Grandma a heart attack, this is the list for you. Most of them are songs you've heard a million times but the versions are less stale than the Bing Crosby standards.
"Jingle Bells" by The Ventures

"Put The Loot in the Boot, Santa" by Mae West

"December" by Kay Starr

"Merry Christmas Baby" by Chuck Berry

"I'll Be Home For Christmas" by She & Him    

"Blue Christmas" by The Beach Boys

 "Christmas Is" by Lou Rawls

"Oh Holy Child" by Dusty Springfield

"Are You Coming Over For Christmas?" by Belle and Sebastian 

Rock and Roll Christmas!
Christmas songs to shotgun a beer to! After all, "Santa" is just "Satan" with the letters switched around
"Run Run Rudolph" by Lemmy Kilmister

"White Christmas" by Iggy Pop

"I Hate Christmas" by Zebrahead

"Rock n Roll Christmas" by Yo La Tengo

"Another Rock n Roll Christmas" by Iron Maiden

"Silent Night/Little Drummer Boy/Auld Lange Syne" by Jimi Hendrix

"Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness

"I Wish It Was Christmas Today" by Julian Casablancas

"Another Rock n Roll Christmas" by Gary Glitter

"The Christmas Song" by Weezer
"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones 
"Don't Believe in Christmas" by The Sonics

Snowfall in Twang Town
If your heart lives in o'er yonder, or you just really want a pair of cowboy boots and a steel guitar this year, watch the snow pile up with Johnny, June, Willie and many more!
"Christmas With You" by June Carter and Johnny Cash

"Dasher With The Light Upon His Tail" by Kitty Wells

"Christmas Tree's on Fire" by Holly Golightly

"Merry Texas Christmas You All" by Gene Autry

"One Happy Christmas" by Tammy Wynette

"Christmas in Dixie" by Alabama

"Country Christmas" by Loretta Lynn

"Pretty Paper" by Willie Nelson

 "Christmas in Prison" by Petty Booka

"I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Johnny Cash
 Slow Jamz for the Holidaze
At the end of a long day, find your lover, curl up next to the fire and pour yourselves some hot buttered rum. It's slow jamz to make your own Baby Jesus to. (Pretend I'm saying this in a smooth late night radio announcer voice). This is the kinda joint you gotta dedicate to somebody.
"This Christmas" by Boys II Men

"White Christmas" by Babyface

  "Be Your Santa Claus" by Keith Sweat

"Mistletoe" by Ginuwine

"Grown Up Christmas" by Joe

Christmas Songs for Sad People
Little broken Grinch hearts! Don't think we forgot about you! 

"Christmas Time is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio

"Nothin For Christmas" by Eartha Kitt

"Christmas Will Be Just Another Lonely Day" by Brenda Lee

 "Last Christmas" by the XX

"It's Such a Lonely Time of Year" by Nancy Sinatra

"Blue Christmas" by Bright Eyes

"My Christmas Tree" by The Supremes

 "Christmas Ghosts" by The Raveonettes

 "If We Make It Through December"-Merle Haggard

      "Black Christmas" by Poly Styrene

"Christmas in Jail" by The Youngsters

"Christmas Eve Can Kill You" by The Everly Brothers

"Please Come Home For Christmas" by James Brown

Stocking Stuffers (Random Miscellany)
 Things I simply couldn't categorize. Some great, some terrible, some truly WTF?

"The Merry Christmas Polka" by Dinah Shore

  "The Spirit is Near" by Devendra Banhart

"Merry Muthafuckin Christmas" by Eazy-E

"Merry Christmas" by Frank Cosmo

"Don't Shoot Me Santa" by The Killers

"Christmas" by Krispy Kreme

"Always After Christmas, Boring" by The Sixth Great Lake

That ends it! Did we leave out your favorite obscure Christmas song? Let us know. 
Happy Non Denominational Winter Holidays, Everybody!
We Love You!
KT & Andrea

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