Monday, December 3, 2012

Scuzz Town Gift Guide: Gifts For the Boy You Like Best

"Merry Christmas, Darling! Tonight, I shall be the designated driver!"

 Boys, boys, boys! Even though they average higher wages than us and control the Senate, we can't blame the individuals. Most of us have a man or five in our lives that we love and/or kiss. Let's thank them for a year of putting their arms around us during scary movies and bringing us chocolate and cigarettes when we're on the rag. How? With lovely non-denominational wintertime trinkets. 
But what do they want? We have no idea. Boys are weird and we never know what they're thinking. Here are our best guesses.

Save The Last Dance For Me

Vinyl. It's classic. It looks good, it sounds good, it can lead to slow dancing in the living room on cold nights. New vinyl often comes with a code to download the record online, so he can have it for the pad and the 'pod. You can even use the sleeves as wall art. The best choice is always a record that has sentimental meaning, or is a personal favorite of his. I once bought a suitor In The Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel on vinyl and it played on repeat for weeks. Records range from 99 cents to crazy expensive rarities, but you're sure to find something perfect in the $20-40 range. Support your local record store!

Happy Father's Day Merry Christmas!
A tie? Really? I know it sounds boring, but every so often, a dude needs to wear one. Job interviews, weddings and funerals, fancy dates in the future. For most of us young, hip things, ties are often inherited from fathers and older brothers who favor those hideous wide, striped silk monsters. Here's the thing: one of the top wardrobe essentials for men is a black skinny tie. They are classic and stylish and make your inamorato look like he knows what he's doing. Do you know that boyfriends look 30% more handsome when wearing a skinny tie? It's true! I know this for sure because I just made it up. Don't bother with patterns or colors. Go with a simple slim black tie. Even if you find out he already has one, it won't hurt to have a back up. One step closer to making those erotic Don Draper dreams come true. You can get one here for $9.95.

Burn Him Into Your Memory...Through Your Nostrils
These dudes prefer to wear cologne and mustaches...Only.
Cologne is a lovely gift, best bought for a man by his lover. Who else is going to have their face buried in his neck with such frequency? There is a lot of bad cologne out there, for sure, but it's not all Sex Panther. Go on a scent sampling spree and find one that smells so nice you'll just want to eat him. Just make sure he knows how to wear it properly.

Smoother Than A Baby's...

A shaving kit is another nice buy for the dream boy. A classic man-gift, it might seem boring at first but as soon as he uses it, he'll be so thankful you bought it for him. Man skin needs love too, and chances are, boyfrand isn't getting enough of it. You can buy premade shave kits, or you can put a kit together yourself by finding a cool bag or box and taking a stroll down the shaving aisle at your favorite apothecary. Things to include? A nice razor, shaving cream and aftershave or moisturizing lotion. Maybe an old timey shaving brush? Make sure to choose complementary scents. Your gentleman friend may not care about "pre-shave oil" right now, but he might like it a whole lot after you introduce him to it.

Tales for Dark and Stormy Nights
 Books are just as good for manfriends and they are for the ladies. Using the same suggestions we included in the gift guide for ladies, help him build his personal library. Not sure what to get? Autobiographies "written" by people he admires are often a good bet. The Dirt by Mötley Crüe is fantastically ridiculous and a good choice for your favorite rock n roller. But pretty much every mildly famous person has something, authorized or not, written about them. Or, if you're more of a gag gift type (or if your beau loved The Simple Life as much as I did) The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Ritchie is terrible, thinly disguised "fiction".

Candy is Dandy, But Liquor is Quicker.

If the man in your life is an illiterate, sloppy dressing, unscented, music hating, beard wearing longhair, give the gift that everyone actually wants...LIQUOR! (or give yourself a gift and find a new boyfriend, because that one sounds terrible). Booze keeps you warm for much cheaper than what PSE charges and makes most of us a little more affectionate. Whether it's a fifth of Old Crow or something in a crystal bottle from a shelf accessible only with a ladder, it will be put to use. If he's more of a greener than a drinker, take advantage of the fact that Washington will be one of the first states to end the ridiculous marijuana prohibition and give the gift of ganj. It will be officially legal for recreational use on December 6th. Merry Christmas to us!

What did we miss? Boys of the world, tell us what you really want!

We Love You!
Andrea & KT

No comments:

Post a Comment