Saturday, July 14, 2012

Advice for the Modern Gentleman

Shopgirls' Guide to Not Being a Scuzzbutt:

1. Wearing stained clothing in public is just sad. If you dropped mustard on your shirt while eating a hot dog, that's fine. It's human. But go the extra mile, find some club soda and start scrubbing. There's nothing that looks worse on a shirt than yesterday's lunch.

2. If someone happens to walk by that you're attracted to (suddenly), we suggest offering her a smile. Maybe even a flower or a quick hello, a 'how do ya do'. Never in the world is it appropriate to cat call, hoot n' holler or scream from a moving car at a girl you think is fly. Despite what you may have been told while growing into larger boys, no lady is going to go home with you because you yelled out how fine she looks from across the street. We can't speak for all the girls of Scuzztown, of course but we can honestly say that such behavior only makes us want to put another layer on, quicken our pace and drink a lot of vodka at the darkest of bars.

3. OFFER TO BUY A LADY A DRINK. We're willing to bet she'll buy the next round. You'd be surprised how sweet ladies can be!

4. Being mysterious is very cool- sexy even! We have to admit, it draws us in sometimes, leaves us yearning for more! But we've had quite enough of the 'Oly Diss', okay!?
If you're not interested in a person, tell them that. If you decide you'd rather not hang out with them on a given night, send them a brief little text message. If you don't have a phone, tie a note to the neck of a raven and hope it reaches the bar.
Communication is a human necessity. Without it, we're all just weird voiceless creatures gaily bouncing off one another like fruit rolling around a sloppy floor.
So get with it and speak up!

5. Sulking/whining/pouting is actually for ACTUAL babies. Unless you're going through something tragical, keep the sniffling to yourself. There are few things more annoying than hanging out with a person that thinks 'complaining' is the same as 'talking'.

6. BRING BACK THE DATE, YOU GUYS!! Hanging out on your basement couch is fun and all but we can do that with almost anyone. Why not try and woo us a little? All it takes is a free evening, a public location and maybe some clean pants. Throw the element of surprise in there, a pinch of charisma and you've pretty much got yourself a date!

7. BE POLITE. You don't have to do outrageous flip flops through a hoop or anything but it would be nice if you could appreciate the company you're with. Make that person feel important. Ask them questions about themselves while actually listening to their answers. Let yourself be open-minded and consider their opinion during discussions. Try not to be boastful nor talk too much. Humility is a fine quality and arrogance only attracts the weak and insecure.

We'll update you when more advice for the modern gentleman comes to us, dear readers. But for now, follow our simple plan and you'll probably be the only male in town with a girlfriend... or three!

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