Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Art of Tucking It In

Oh, boyfriends of the world! Are you mad at us? Do you feel excluded? There's a whole lotta stuff for the girls on this blog and just that little list of grievances for the boys... But you know we love you right? We wanted to do something nice for you, since you've all been doing such a good job cleaning the mustard off your shirts and not hollering at us from cars at us lately.

Which is why when resident genius and the Hemingway of our generation, Carter W. Foster, offered to write a little something for the menfolk our hearts skipped a beat and we clicked our heels in joy. Behold, hotties of Scuzz Town:

The Art of Tucking It In
 By Carter Wilberforce Foster
It took me until the ripe age of 22 to recognize the benefits of tucking it in. Sure, some may say this a little late and label me as a late bloomer or underdeveloped or lame. But I wanted my first time to be good, memorable, and this required some, not overindulgent, research. I wanted to at least look like I knew what I was doing. I know I am not alone, and you virgins aren’t either. Here is a quick list of the why’s and how’s to help you look chic, smart, and tuck it in like a pro.

This may come as a surprise, but some people go as long as a lifetime without ever tucking it in. It can be daunting, and certainly a lot pressure surrounds the issue. For starters, more of your personal self will be exposed. Some find their midsections to be unflattering when tucking it in. And those budding fruits beneath your drawers will be missing a familiar layer. But do not worry, it has been proven time and again that you, typically, spend more time worrying about your own appearance than does anyone else. Mostly others will only see you as neat, together, and mature. You’re beautiful, and we all know it, so get out there and tuck it in!

I know what your going to say: “But won't I need protection?” Yes, you will. Which is why you should immediately invest in a belt. Cloth or leather makes no difference and some swing both ways or choose the reversible route. Me, I personally like the one tone leather classics, but it makes no difference so long as it is true to who you are. I, also, prefer the undershirt, but some like the naturalness of going without. If you choose an undershirt, I would suggest limiting your options to a crew tee, v-neck, or tank. White, black or gray, they all give the same amount of love.

There is really only one rule when it comes to tucking it in: keep it tight. Like most things, it starts with prep. But it’s easy, just try putting your shirt on before your pants, when you’re slipping your pants on, guide the tails of your shirt in between you and the pants. There will be a bit of poof, but limit this by doing a further tuck before fastening the pants. You want your body to speak, not the shirt. The cut of the shirt is going to really matter for this. The idea is to keep it fitted to your contours but not busting at the seams. Don’t have your chest stretched so tight that your dinner guests are protecting their eyes while they wait for those buttons to shoot off. You also don’t want to have to shove too much down your pants or have an air pillow ring around your waist. Make sure the shirt doesn’t go much lower than the bottom seam of your front pockets. But don’t stress a little poof, it’s natural. If you’re feeling insecure, visit a tailor and she/he will provide you with the right type of solace.

People with a bit of a tummy, I know what you’re thinking. “But won't this accentuate my stomach?” Yes, but in the most productive and attractive way. It’s alright that you’ve got a little extra in front, but tucking in or not, the stomach doesn’t disappear. No matter the body type, not tucking it in can, and mostly does, come across as sloppy, lazy and unkempt, which we all know you aren’t. Don’t be afraid to show what you’re working with. By tucking it in you will look more tightly secure. Your profile will certainly look better, more naturally contoured, and all around sophisticated.

Now, I have unfairly led you on this entire time without explicitly letting you know that I have a partner. My love: the button down. I admit, it was unfair of me to not tell you before, but now I want to let know just how polyamorous I can be—when it comes to tucking it in. I personally have a faux-pas rule when it comes to tucking in a tee. But Bruce Springsteen did it and so do a whole heap of sleek lookin’ babes. Let’s just say it’s not unheard of and leave at that. Same goes for the polo. So, is there a jeans versus slacks or trousers kind of rule? Nope, it’s pretty much anybody’s game. Now sometimes leaving it un-tucked truly can give you that relaxed look, as so many people like to argue. But as I see it, most un-tucked shirts look sloppy, though occasionally a nice jean pant and button-down combo can look relaxed and ultra cool. These are the things you will have to experiment with as you mature in this newfound world. Comforts and tastes will change and you have to have an open mind and operate at the pace you choose.

  "I personally have a faux-pas rule when it comes to tucking in a tee. But Bruce Springsteen did it and so do a whole heap of sleek lookin’ babes. Let’s just say it’s not unheard of and leave at that."

Now, if I haven’t got you by now, you must be thinking: “Isn’t this for adults? Like the ones with real jobs, marriages and babies? Doesn’t The Man tuck it in?” For starters, it’s about time some of us grew up. Also you don’t need a real job to look cool. Nine out of ten doctors tuck it in, and none of them look as good as you will; they don’t keep it tight like you will. Certainly tucking it in may help you get a job or a date to make a baby, but this doesn’t have to be the measure of success for your cool style. As for The Man, sure he tucks it in, but sometimes the only way to stop Him is to beat him at his own game. Look cool and tight, and The Man can’t come near you.

Well that’s about all I can advise. Don’t sweat the insecurities, keep it tight and remember the most important thing is to have fun and look good while doing it. The rest is on your shoulders. Or your waist-line.

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